Super-Absurd Martial Arts Ideas...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Mar 29, 2007 6:30 pm

You ever had an idea for a truly absurd martial arts form that you would just LOVE to be able to pull out of a hat on your players or GMs? Something that sounds so utterly ridiculous but insanely engaging it just MIGHT be something worth pursuing?

I thought I'd start a thread for some of those ideas to come out...We've seen 'Way of the Wet Noodle" , 'Molsen-Fu", and several incarnations of Professional Wrestling out there on the web, but what secret desire for a new MA form would you want to see? Post it here so we can all have a chuckle...

Who knows? Maybe somebody will pick it up and run with it and actually stat it out...in which case, those players and GMs out there laughing can start sweating....

I'll start it out with...

Way of the Screaming Squirrel--Big on brute force body hardening exercises with near-death experience training. Not big on offensive moves, but if you ever find yourself jack-lit in front of a semi, or dangling from a power line, you'll know you stand a good chance of survival.

Strip-Tease Martial Arts---High kicks, snapping garters, hip-slams, and more fanservice than any ninja can endure without being distracted....No obvious weapons, but you hardly need them...your body's a weapon...

Crocodile/Alligator-Wrestling('Irwin-Ryu')---Somehow the bar bouncer(or the drunks) don't seem so tough after you've endured the 'Roll of Death' from your 12-foot long sparring partner. Big on water-combat skills too.

Bibliokinetics---THe Art of Moving Paper---Part scholarly mysticism, part improvized brawling; when the barbarians come to your library or bookstore to do some book-burning, you'll be ready to close the volume on 'em....

Internet-Ninjitsu----Hours of pushing a mouse and speed typing haven't made you fat and slow, it's made you a master of minimalist movement combat; killer finger-pokes, rapid hand movement strikes, swivel-chair carousel-kicks, and a profficiency with improvized weapons(mouse-chuks, co-axial cable whips, and lap-top shields) that nake you the Pallid Techno-Terror!

Blight · Unread post by **Blight** » Thu Mar 29, 2007 9:46 pm

oh those are great :lol:

drewkitty ~..~ · Thu Mar 29, 2007 10:03 pm

taalismn wrote:snip...

Strip-Tease Martial Arts---High kicks, snapping garters, hip-slams, and more fanservice than any ninja can endure without being distracted....No obvious weapons, but you hardly need them...your body's a weapon...

...snip

Wouldn't this just be a form of Kata that lets you disrobe while fighting?

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 5:55 pm

drewkitty ~..~ wrote:
taalismn wrote:snip...

Strip-Tease Martial Arts---High kicks, snapping garters, hip-slams, and more fanservice than any ninja can endure without being distracted....No obvious weapons, but you hardly need them...your body's a weapon...

...snip

Wouldn't this just be a form of Kata that lets you disrobe while fighting?

Possibly...but then you toss in form-specific attacks and moves such as Pole-Spin Multi-Kick and Elastic Underwear Snap-Slap and becomes a (low) art....

sinestus · Unread post by **sinestus** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 9:30 pm

drewkitty ~..~ wrote:
taalismn wrote:snip...

Strip-Tease Martial Arts---High kicks, snapping garters, hip-slams, and more fanservice than any ninja can endure without being distracted....No obvious weapons, but you hardly need them...your body's a weapon...

...snip

Wouldn't this just be a form of Kata that lets you disrobe while fighting?

crimeny.. has it been 7 years already since i made this one?

http://www.geocities.com/sinestus/wackybob/april00.txt

all the way at the bottom "Bawdy Armor..."

as for martial arts, i made a number of 'em... can't say there are more i'd like to see

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Mar 31, 2007 11:11 pm

The Art of (In)Convenience---Developed by late-night convenience store clerks sick and tired of being held up by thugs....a combination of familiar Mo Gi Gong techniques, staff/mop techniques, and the use of some improvized weapons even the Chinese couldn't have conceived of, such as chi-charged RingDings, throwing gum, and the Icy Cold Fountain Drink Throw....

Topia-Ryu----Martial Arts Landscaping, developed by Eastern monks and temple/household groundskeepers...One of the few martial arts to teach dependence on LOCATION, with education in landscaping, gardening, and fortification. Weapons katas include rakes, shovels, garden shears, and pruning blades, while the more esoteric meditation techniques include Labyrinth Trap and Hedge-Hollowing....Bonsai is only the beginning...

MASTERMIND · Unread post by **MASTERMIND** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 11:58 am

Internet-Ninjitsu----Hours of pushing a mouse and speed typing haven't made you fat and slow, it's made you a master of minimalist movement combat; killer finger-pokes, rapid hand movement strikes, swivel-chair carousel-kicks, and a profficiency with improvized weapons(mouse-chuks, co-axial cable whips, and lap-top shields) that nake you the Pallid Techno-Terror!

dear... god.... can't... stop... laughing...

:lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 5:36 pm

Yep....one of the katas/body hardening excercises is juggling hard-drives and monitors....while climbing stairs...(routinely done by college students at least twice every year...)

glitterboy2098 · Thu Apr 05, 2007 4:07 pm

taalismn wrote:
Bibliokinetics---THe Art of Moving Paper---Part scholarly mysticism, part improvized brawling; when the barbarians come to your library or bookstore to do some book-burning, you'll be ready to close the volume on 'em....

someday i'll have to dig out my Biblomancy school of magic and finish it up. (all it is is a list of 40 some spells right now, although i planned an OCC and fluff orginally. maybe if the rumored new Read or Die show actually gets done...)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:20 pm

glitterboy2098 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
Bibliokinetics---THe Art of Moving Paper---Part scholarly mysticism, part improvized brawling; when the barbarians come to your library or bookstore to do some book-burning, you'll be ready to close the volume on 'em....

someday i'll have to dig out my Biblomancy school of magic and finish it up. (all it is is a list of 40 some spells right now, although i planned an OCC and fluff orginally. maybe if the rumored new Read or Die show actually gets done...)

As a librarian, I look forward(with growing impatience) to that eventuality

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 06, 2007 10:49 pm

Hmmm....Percussionist Martial Arts...or the Art of Drumsticks....Related to Marching Band Coordinated Combat...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Apr 07, 2007 11:08 pm

Contractor-Kwan-Do----A pragmatic art meant to allow martial artists to combine combat skills, physical exercise, and a lucrative job...Like Landscaping Martial Arts, CKD teaches tool/weapon skills(WP Blunt...and variants on the traditional claw hammer) and practical skills such as Technical Drawing/Technical Calligraphy, and Carpentry....Heavy on Body Hardening skills and practices, such as splitting bricks and sheetrock precisely with a knee or knifehand strike, balancing on high beams, carrying loads of bricks and lumber on head and shoulders, and driving nails with one's forehead. Training includes membership in a trade union and access to construction jobs(similar to Acting from the Mystic China sourcebook)....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Apr 08, 2007 10:42 pm

"Nail guns are for whimps...Behold the Single Finger Nail-Driver Strike!"

LostOne · Unread post by **LostOne** » Mon Apr 09, 2007 1:02 pm

Before Palladium had these web forums and the fans were still using the e-mail mailing list, someone had posted actual rules for Hand to Hand: Why Yu for Rifts.

It was developed by a Crazy who thought the Three Stooges videos he had uncovered in some ruins was an actual fighting style.

Sadly I no longer have the stats for it.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Apr 09, 2007 10:23 pm

"Owyahhhh! Double-Finger Eyepoka of Death! Nose-honk of Humiliation! MUle KIck in Pants, and Heave-Ho!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:42 pm

Not to mention(but what the heck...). the Way of the Wedgie, Single- and Double-Knuckle Noggie, Weapon Kata Towel-Snap, and Harlem Globetrotter Martial Arts....

BookWyrm · Unread post by **BookWyrm** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 11:12 pm

I remember someone mentioning the martial art called Stooge-Fu (or more commonly named "Nyuk-Fu").....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 10:32 pm

Could be various forms of that...Feldmankinetics, Serpent's Gaze, Death Glare, Ice Eye....

Greasy Spoon Martial Arts...actually a variety of applicable styles exist already, but one should add such katas and exercises as Flaming Grease/Asbestos Skin, Hot Pan Juggling, Behold the Power of Cheese, Burger-Flipping, W.P. Grater, and Second Servings of Hell attack....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 7:15 pm

Body Hardening....Walk-In FReezer Endurance Torture-testing

Ginshu Blade Quick-Slice...you fail the exercise on this and lose a finger, you are IMMEDIATELY disqualified from the school....

Assault and Pepper Shaker-nuks...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:29 pm

Darkmax wrote:Assault and Pepper Shaker..... there's more effect to follow....

Break the skin and hammer it in....
Then you have the Grater Punch-Slap...
Icecream Scoop Eye-Gouge(just what you want to worry about last...interrupting the local ninja clan practicing endurance training in your local supermarket's frozen foods aisle)

Nutcracker Clamp(universally condemned by most martial arts groups, but heartily endorsed by the Dirty Rotten Sadistic Bandits gang...)

Grapefruit Blind-shot(typically followed by a well-thrown spoon)

Cork Extractor N---No, wait, that's just too nasty...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Apr 14, 2007 10:47 am

Darkmax wrote:One more thing.... The art of telephone conversation! Not exactly about what you are talking about or to whom... but more on how to avoid the pesky other person who is trying to interrupt your conversation and snatching the phone away from you!!!!

Chi-based disruption of handheld cellphones...more difficult, but much more classy and covert than simply kicking it out of somebody's hand(and maybe tagging them in the head in the process).

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Apr 14, 2007 11:01 pm

Yo-Jitsu; the Art of the Killer Yo-Yo-----strong on strangling, entangling, and slashing attacks. Novices tend to gravitate towards showy oversized yoyos with snap-out blades or hidden explosives, but true masters of this art contend that all one needs is a simple wooden disc and skill...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Apr 15, 2007 8:13 pm

I thought it was merely a bad James Bond schtick....

But along the same lines....

Wham-O; the Art of the Killer Flying Disc.....Occasionally corrupted into other forms, such as razor-edged bowler hats, but true Frisbee Masters use plastic or original metal pie plates(occasionally inscribed with taoist symbols...). Attempts tp merge the schools of Wham-O with RollerDerby Martial Brawling have met with limited success(not that that's ever stopped Californians)....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Apr 16, 2007 10:27 pm

Boxing....not pugilism; I'm talking stockroom combat...the art of juggling crates and boxes, street-level knife/blade/boxcutter skills, styrofoam peanut smoke screens, entangling moves with packing tape, and making improvized bubblewrap impact armor...Not nearly as potent or powerful as bored backroom help would like people to think this bastardized drudgery- and bad-kung-fu movie-born martial arts form actually is, but it contains a few imaginative and unexpected moves that could catch real martial artists offguard long enough for the kids to make it to cover....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:15 pm

Darkmax wrote:yes./.... I can see that happening in the storeroom of the Wal-Mart

Martial Arts Sensei wandering along behind initiate, chanting; "Re-Stock! De-Stock!Re-Stock! De-Stock!Re-Stock! De-Stock! Top Shelf! Bottom Shelf! Mark Down! Mark UP! Faster, Mister Part-Time, or you no get paycheck!"

glitterboy2098 · Wed Apr 18, 2007 5:39 pm

to bad Neo-Academy Style would constitute a conversion. a martial arts fighting style consisting mainly of slaps and staring used during negotiations and discussions. originally developed for scientific debate. (you'd have to be a Tenchi Muyo fan to get it.

)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 6:29 pm

Geriatric-Martial Arts(Nursing Home School). also known as 'Aging Dragon Final Stand' and 'School of the Golden Years'....For those well past the prime of their lives, but who aren't ready to admitt that their get-up-and-go, got up and went....Supposedly originated by a martial arts instructor who didn't learn any of the more esoteric life-extension techniques, but who didn't want to just fade away into the sunset. The school (re)teaches how to fall without damage, regain physical and mental strength, martial arts katas and WPs such as Staff/Cane, Walker, Wheelchair, and the martial uses of false teeth. GMA is one of the few martial arts designed to work with artificial 'cybernetic' implants...artificial hip joints, pacemakers, plastic elbows and kneecaps, and hearing aides. Whether it's teaching that social security check-stealing punk a lesson in respecting one's elders, busting an old pal out of a nursing home, GMA will allow its practitioners that last glorious adventure and a restoration of dignity in their twilight years.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:59 pm

Darkmax wrote:Phew... for a moment there I thought you meant "The School for The Golden Girls".....

THey can still manage some high-kicking head-splitting, collarbone-crunching footwork with this art!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:04 pm

Rival Schools of Martial Arts FastFood Cookery....MacDonalds School of Frenchfry Throwing versus Burger King's Whopper-Fist!
Of course, Ninja-Burger beats them both, but this is Palladium's house!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Apr 22, 2007 10:50 pm

Oh no! It's the Hardened Arteries Body Hardening regimen! 'Gives you subdermal armor to die for!' 'Blood vessels like corduroy!'

On the plus side, though, a practitioner of these arts can down massive amounts of food in short order....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Apr 23, 2007 9:40 pm

If Chuck ever said anything like "SUPERSIZE ME!" or "Five Hundred Calorie-Burner Speed Attack!" or "Spare Tire Belly-Block!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:35 pm

Somehow I don;t think Chuck Norris will ever method-act by putting on 20-odd pounds for a kung-fu movie like 'Stomach Rumble of Doom' or 'A Fistful of French Fries' or 'Enter the Cheeseburger'...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:01 pm

Pity....'Walker, Texas Ranger Versus Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar' would have been precious....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 27, 2007 6:53 pm

Usefulness as a weapon depends on both the serving temperature and consistancy of the mashed potatoes.....near-boiling hot, chunky, and clingy is the best choice...ideally with a metal bowl or the metal potato masher coming up behind...Electric blenders are useful only if they're plugged in and running, and wire loop beaters/whisks have to be specially made to be able to survive and trap stilletos and other blades shoved into them....

Such specialty items must be specially made...fortunately, there are craftsmen who will make such items, no questions asked, if you know where to ask and how much to bribe...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:12 pm

Darkmax wrote:"ARE YOU INSULTING ME?!" Bellowed Col. Saunders. "IF THOSE WEREN'T TO YOUR STANDARD, HAVE THE OVEN AS WELL!!!!"

I don't think the Col. oven-cooks ANYTHING....But they might have a lethal technique using the handling tongs....

BillionSix · Unread post by **BillionSix** » Sun Apr 29, 2007 12:37 am

taalismn wrote:Strip-Tease Martial Arts---High kicks, snapping garters, hip-slams, and more fanservice than any ninja can endure without being distracted....No obvious weapons, but you hardly need them...your body's a weapon...

And of course, the famous school that splintered off from it, Lesbian Stripper Ninjitsu!

Brian

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Apr 29, 2007 3:05 pm

BillionSix wrote:
taalismn wrote:Strip-Tease Martial Arts---High kicks, snapping garters, hip-slams, and more fanservice than any ninja can endure without being distracted....No obvious weapons, but you hardly need them...your body's a weapon...

And of course, the famous school that splintered off from it, Lesbian Stripper Ninjitsu!

Brian

Unfortunately practiced and demonstrated quite publicly by one of its founders, the one hundred fifty-year old 'Bakemono-Chan'...

"GAH! MY EYES!!! WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST LOBBED A PHOSPHORUS GRENADE! IT WOULDA BEEN MORE MERCIFUL!"
"I pray to my ancestors religiously...I am a good man...what did I do to witness this?!"
"What a humiliating way to die..."
"I must die, after seeing THAT..."
"THat is so wrong on so many levels..."
------Last words testimonials to the effectiveness of Lesbian Stripper Ninjitsu(Golden Blossom School)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Apr 30, 2007 6:28 pm

Tanker truck immediately runs into a light-pole, bursts into flame, takes out a critical intersection...

Like heck the driver is going to admitt he got distracted by a) a lovely ninja that nobody else saw doing a strip-tease on a utility pool..or b) the Queen Alien that nobody else saw doing a strip tease on a light pole...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue May 01, 2007 2:38 pm

Hindering an Investigation, Lying to Police....Maybe even DUI(drugs)....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu May 03, 2007 4:34 pm

Martial Arts Knitting....

Entangling Dragon Cloud Crochet!

Weapons Kata Needles!

Quit Shield Blind-Fan!

Power-Rocker Forward Roll-Kick!

Yarn-Ball Kamikaze Slam-dunk!

Cat's Cradle of Doom!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri May 04, 2007 4:18 pm

Darkmax wrote:Art of Paper cuts!

Part of Library Martial Arts...but can be a skill/attack taken by other schools/styles as well...

GhostKnight · Unread post by **GhostKnight** » Fri May 04, 2007 11:30 pm

Or thumping people that make to much noise in the library.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat May 05, 2007 9:42 pm

I'm trying to work out a Library-based martial arts form(or maybe magic) based on the chi surrounding books....The larger the collection, the greater the available power...the older(average) the books/materials, the greater the energy...Such library martial artists as practice this form curse the growing prevalence of audiobooks and the internet, since the replacement of many library resources with these modern and 'young' forms of media that lack chi weaken the librarian-practitioner in their place of strength.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun May 06, 2007 10:58 pm

Martial Arts Penmanship-----Death by Punctuation!
Cursive Slash!
And the dreaded Ink Blotch!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon May 07, 2007 10:40 pm

Unfortunately, there's a few pressure point techniques that can cripple a Martial Arts Penmenship practitioner....Writer's Cramp and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Grip....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed May 09, 2007 12:02 am

"What is this?! It's a brick wrapped in a silk hankerchief!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri May 11, 2007 6:16 pm

Blockhead Writers never get gold...
Unless you're a Coulter....

But Martial Arts Pensmen are taught meditation(and dodging) techniques to realize their inner poet/muse and avoid Writers' Block, including the meditation exercise familiar to many first-year college English Majors; " Writing is Easy! Focus on a piece of blank paper, pen or pencil in hand...concentrate until blood starts beading out on your forehead."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat May 12, 2007 11:55 am

Over-dramatic and the horrors of the run-on sentence more like it....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun May 13, 2007 11:17 pm

Darkmax wrote:and the overly long breaths....

That's Martial Arts Public Speaking for you....
Advanced Breathing Techniques...Filibuster Attack....Breath of Death....Word of God(Voice Amplification)....One of the few martial arts forms that eschews hand and foot attacks and focuses on the lungs and jaw for exercise....It's most posturing and 'phoney' attacks, but the ability to enthrall or daze to sleep listeners makes it arguably a 'stealth' martial art...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon May 14, 2007 10:38 pm

Martial Arts Flyfishing....an artform practiced in obscure backwaters of China and Northern United States.....Practiced in the obscurity of backwoods lakes and streams, it's the only martial arts whose traditional outfit is waders and a hat....It's also one of the few water-based arts, with practitioners exercising in waist- to chest-deep water, trying to maintain balance on slippery rocks, uneven bottoms, and against water currets....Primary focus is on weapons katas, particularly hooks, fishing rods, and handheld nets, but hand-toughening exercises such as fixing hooks and fly-tying have developed the hands into weapons with plier-like grip and tinsnip precision....Considered to be a joke by many, MAFlyfishing's real triumphs have gone largely unseen in the backwoods, where many a 'Deliverance' scenario has gone grievously wrong for the local bandits expecting a defenseless cityslicker in fishing gear...

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