Proverb help.

[Northern Ranger]

Okay, here's the situation. I'm looking to introduce into my campaign a character that is prone to speaking with a lot of proverbs. Like, every other sentence he spouts some saying that he thinks makes him sound very wise. The problem is, he uses proverbs that people all know, and he says them wrong (such as "That's the way the cookie bounces" or "Thats the way the ball crumbles" get it?) He might even use some that would seem wise to him, but make no sense to others. The short point here is that these things should be used for comic relief so that the others in the game can get a laugh out of them.

Now, here's the problem. I can't think of any. I hoped you guys could maybe help me out. What can you think of that I could use. Either plays on existing proverbs, or brand new ones that are just screwy enough to make this guy seem like an idiot. (In fact, he is going to be quite powerful, but he certainly won't seem so.) Thanks in advance for any help you might give.

[demos606]

I so hope you're a dragonlance fan: Fizban.

[Killer Cyborg]

1. Watch Boondock Saints lately?
2. In the old comic book Paul the Samurai there was a character named Zen Man. He was a Japanese superhero that would say zen koans, like "Who knows the water, the reed or the crane?"
Then he'd hit his opponent with his staff, while they were distracted.
I don't remember any more of his quotes, but they might be able to be googled.
3. I've always been fond of saying, "He's not exactly the sharpest cookie on the tree".

[BookWyrm]

Reminds me of the freindly banter between the American scientist & the Soviet scientins in 2010.

Russian:"Easy as Cake."
American: "Pie. 'Easy as pie'."
Russian: "Ah, yes, easy as pie. Thank you."

[asajosh]

not exactly what your looking for, but may I suggest the cartoon series "The Tick" (now in syndication). While not proverbs per se, but he'll spout out some of the funniest metaphores!
"Invader Zim" is also a good one to reference.
edit: And "Fractured Fairy Tales" from "Rocky and Bullwinkle" too, now that I think on it.
Good Luck

[Northern Ranger]

gadrin, you've got the right idea. I espcially liked "ever since he developed telekinesis, he's been undressing me with his mind." My wife had to come see what was making me laugh so hard! (That line doesn't exactly fit the character I need these for, but I'm so going to use it!) The others are awesome too! Some of them I may just use. Thanks to you all, and see if you can keep them coming. The possibilities for hilarity from this character could be endless. I can't wait to play him!

[Northern Ranger]

Don't count your chickens 'til the fat lady sings

Give him an inch, he'll gety out of the kitchen

Two's company, three's another man's treasure

A penny saved is worth two in the bush

where there's smoke, three's a crowd

These I like. This is what I'm looking for!

[Snuffy]

Bushy Eyed & Bright Tailed

People to Do and Things to See

[Northern Ranger]

Bushy Eyed & Bright Tailed

People to Do and Things to See

I actually use the second one myself! But I like the first. (Adding to list.)

[Northern Ranger]

Don't count your chickens before the carriage.

An apple a day gathers no moss.

A rolling stone killed the cat.

Birds of a feather tell no tales.

Don't put all your eggs in a gift horse's mouth.

A chain is only as strong as spilt milk.

Never judge a book by it's weakest link.

Practice makes an ounce of cure.

The grass is always greener on the camel's back.

People in glass houses shouldn't skin a cat.

Two's company, three spoils the broth.

Variety is the other cheek.

You can't judge a book, and eat it too.

[GA]

I'm a big fan of Yogi Berra's sayings since they are so true and funny so here are some from Wikiquote:


"I didn't really say everything I said."

90 percent of putts that fall short don't go in.

A good ball club.
When asked what makes a good manager of a baseball team.

A home opener is always exciting, no matter if it's home or on the road.

Don't get me right, I'm just asking!

No one goes there any more, it's too crowded.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Always go to other peoples' funerals otherwise they won't go to yours.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Half the lies they tell me aren't true.

He's a big clog in their machine.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'm as red as a sheet.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on its head.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

I think they just got through marinating the greens.

Commenting on his performance after playing a poor golf game.
I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4.

I want to thank you for making this day necessary.
On Yogi Berra day in 1947 in St. Louis. By his account, he asked a teammate to write a speech, and he misspoke, saying "necessary" instead of "possible."

I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question.

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it.
When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.

If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

If you ask me a question I don't know I'm not going to answer.

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.

If you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up somewhere else.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
This has also been attributed to computer scientist Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

It gets late awfully early around here.
Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at New York stadium.

It's like déjà vu all over again.

It's never happened in World Series competition, and it still hasn't.

It's not too far it just seems like it is.

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

It was hard to have a conversation with anyone; there were so many people talking.

Little League baseball is a good thing 'cause it keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the kids out of the house!

Most of his homeruns were hit on artificial turf.
When asked why Johnny Bench hit more homeruns than he did.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Ninety percent of this game is mental, and the other half is physical.
A variant of this:"Ninety percent of this game is half mental" is also attributed to Philadelphia Philles manager Danny Ozark

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Overwhelming underdogs.
Describing the 1969 New York Mets.

Pair up in threes.

Pitching always beats batting -- and vice-versa.

Slump? I ain't in no slump! I just ain't hitting.

Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died.

Surprise me!
When his wife, Carmen, asked where he would like to be buried.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The only reason I need these gloves is cause of my hands.

The other team could make trouble for us if they win.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

Think? How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?

We have a good time together, even when we're not together.
Talking about his wife, Carmen. He implied he likes to have some time away, but also likes to get back together.

We made too many wrong mistakes.
On why the Yankees lost the 1960 series to the Pittsburgh Pirates.

We're lost but we're making good time.

What? You mean right now?
When asked what time it was.

When you get to a fork in the road, take it.
Berra says this is part of driving directions to his house in Montclair, New Jersey. There is a fork in the road, and whichever way you take, you will get to his house.

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.

You better make it four. I don't think I could eat eight.
At a dinner in an Italian restaurant, when asked how many slices should be cut in his pizza.

You can observe a lot by watching.

You don't hit with your face.
Yogi's standard response whenever someone told him he wasn't too good looking.

You don't look so hot yourself.
Reply when told he looked cool in his summer suit by the New York Mayor's wife.

Yogi's teacher You don't know anything, do you Berra?
Yogi I don't even suspect anything, sir.

You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what's left.

The one you really need to have. If you don't have it, that's why you need it.
Said in a 2006 AFLAC TV commercial, so probably written for him.

And they give you cash, which is just as good as money.
Said in a 2006 AFLAC TV commercial, so probably written for him.

If you get hurt and miss work, it won't hurt to miss work.
Said in a 2006 AFLAC TV commercial, so probably written for him.

The similarities between me and my father are completely diferrent.
Dale Berra said this when asked if he took after Yogi.

[Northern Ranger]

Wow GA. If my character ever plays baseball, he's set. (Man that was a lot of quotes! They were hilarious too!) And yes, some of them are useable outside of baseball as well. I will probably add them all to my list, just because you put so much effort into it. Thanks man!

[drewkitty ~..~]

snip...

Now, here's the problem. I can't think of any. I hoped you guys could maybe help me out. What can you think of that I could use. Either plays on existing proverbs, or brand new ones that are just screwy enough to make this guy seem like an idiot. (In fact, he is going to be quite powerful, but he certainly won't seem so.) Thanks in advance for any help you might give.

my favorate to say is "Many hands make the heavy load light"

or you might start by reading the book in the bible named *drum rolll* 'Proverbs'.

[Northern Ranger]

biblical quotes in a fantasy setting. That's so simple it might just work!