Rifts-Style Blooper Reel

Rathorc Lemenger · Wed Jan 23, 2008 10:16 am

Scene 1: During a parade through Chi Town, Prosek is standing in a hovercar waving to the crowds of civilians and smiling during the whole time.

Prosek Driver 1: Hey, wanna see something funny?

Driver 2: *shrugs* Sure, why not?

The first driver grins as he speeds up for 50 feet, and suddenly stops, sending prosek flying head-long into a wall and hitting it cartoon-style. He then drops to the ground, but where he had hit the wall, is a life-sized imprint in the wall.

Driver 1: SCORE!!!

Driver 2: Oh.... *turns to the nearest MP and points to the first driver* He did it.... I'm innocent.

****************
Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 4:50 pm

ROFLMAO!!! Better watch out the CS lovers might not be too happy with that example. :lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:30 pm

Dog Pack Patrol in the wilds...when they spot trouble...
"Grenades!" shouts the human commander to his troops, and they start throwing their hand-bombs....then promptly half the Dog Boys bolt out after the thrown ordnance...
...and fetch it back...

BOOM

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:21 pm

Lord Dunscon: "I'll crush them! I'll kill them all! I'll drive them all mad! I'll make all of them wish they'd never been born! I'll subject them to torments of a million years! I'll....*hack!*GasPHHH**Garg!!"
Attendant Demon: "HEIMLICH MANEUVER!!!! HE'S CHOKING ON HIS OWN BILE AGAIN!!!"
Dark Advisor: "His doctor TOLD him to lay off the ranting and raving, especially after eating anything spicy! But does he listen? Nnnnnoooo....."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:40 pm

Emperor Prosek: "Heh-heh...NOBODY'S going to recognize me at the General Staff Costume Ball in this Witchling outfit! Hi'ya boys, I'm here for the party...wait, ...oh cra---!"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:10 pm

ROFLMAO!!!! Those are great ones!

I hope they keep coming!

BookWyrm · Unread post by **BookWyrm** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:20 pm

Scene: Madhaven, near the 'rebuilt' Lady, a glowing female figure royally 'blesses' the gathered mutates; they cheer in a deafening roar. This goes on for several minutes, then the Lady slowly withdraws, fading in a burst of light at the base of the statue.....
The POV quickly zips into a secret room, where the 'Lady' quickly sheds her 'glowing' countenance, revealing a safety harness strategically concealed whips of gauze. A team of assistance fill in the room, moving about & getting the Lady out of her harness....

Lady: "Sheesh! These presentations are getting harder & harder! Where in the Abyss is my mocha-chino?!"

An assistant, bearing a clipboard & a steaming syrofoam cup swiftly enters, hands her the cup, & goes over her schedule. A make-up artist literally peels the face off of the Lady.....

To reveal a frustrated Erin Tarn.

Lady/Tarn: "You just can't BREATHE in these things!"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:06 am

ROFLMAO!!! Again those were very funny! I hope they keep coming!

Lucas · Unread post by **Lucas** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:41 am

like them and must have more plz bring the funny

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 11:17 am

Two Madhaven Beastmen are looking at the remains of the Empire State Building...
One turns to the other and sez:"GO ahead...you know you wanna do it...I dare you! Just start climbing..."

Madhaven: CS expedition encounters TRUE horror when they try to setup camp, as out of the drakness looms eldritch lights...
and a yellow and black-checked apparition slams through their camp, slids to a halt, a window rolls open, and a furry head sticks out:
"%^$%&*&%!!!!Stupid ^*(^*(^*( tourists!!! Cancha see youse in the middle of the $%^$$^*(68 roadway, you bugger$%^$%^$%^!!!"
...then flips them the finger, and drives off in a cloud of dust and exhaust.

(Mach 5, Mach 4, Mach 3, Mach 4, Mach 5...Madhaven Taxicab Drive Slowing Down in a School Zone)

Lucas · Unread post by **Lucas** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:08 pm

nice so no difference then New York :lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:44 pm

Stormspire: It's latest location:
A town police officer is resting his foot on the side side of this HULKING building, writing out a ticket for illegal parking...

Stormspire Functionary: "Quick! Time to change locations! NOWWW!!!"

Rathorc Lemenger · Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:09 pm

Scene: Karl Prosek goes walking onto a stage for a speech, but when he gets to the middle of the stage, he steps on a bannana peel that he didn't notice before and goes sliding off the stage and into the band pit.

*************
signed,
Rathorc Lemenger

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:00 pm

Squad of Deadboys clustered around a heavy chained mage on a portion of the angled sides of Chi-Town...
CS Officer: "You heard us, mage-scum! We want this entire roof covered with snow and ice! And make it quick! The Emp wants to go skiing in July!"

Shadyslug · Unread post by **Shadyslug** » Tue Jan 29, 2008 2:48 am

CUT!!!

The Floopers just flooped into the Pleasure Slaves dressing room and seem to be trying to floop just about everything they can get their floop on...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:20 pm

CS Soldier: "I forgot. Do these grenades have a ten-count or an ei-*BOOOMMM*"

Spectre · Unread post by **Spectre** » Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:58 pm

Group of mercs break a rogue scientist with a out of a small CS prison. They move through a forest to rolling hills. The scientist has just crested a hill and turns around...

Sci: (with Euro accent) Tanks.
Group leader: You're welcome.
Sci: (Slightly louder) Tanks.
Group leader: I said you're welcome.
Sci: No, tanks! *Points over the hill
Group leader looks over hill: oh..... run.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jan 29, 2008 6:46 pm

Rifts opens up in a small room somewhere and several Temporal Assassins come charging through, openning fire at the slightest sign of movement...
Assassin #1: "Did we get him? Did we?!"
Assassin #2: (poking through smoldering remains)"Yeah, we did...complete surprise...funny...I expected more resistance out of this guy....He's supposed to be hotshet mage-mercenary; I'd expect at least wards..."
Assassin #3: "Something's not right here..."
#2: "Yeah....Isn't he supposed to be into silk robes? THis carcass is wearing what looks like denim and a teeshirt..."
#1: "I don't see any books of magic around this place...And I don't recognize this name ..'ke-van siemb-dah'?...That writing looks positively ANCIENT!"
#3:"Yeah...that name's on this card in the guy's pants..."
#2: "...Guys...I get the feeling we just screwed up big-time."
#3: "...Not a word of this to the boss..."
#1: "Agreed...let's get out of here."

Lucas · Unread post by **Lucas** » Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:07 pm

hahahahahaha

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:02 pm

Splugorth Mom: "SPLYNNCRYTHHHHH!!! Quit waving that Rune Sword around! How would you like it if you accidentally put out your eye!?"

Rathorc Lemenger · Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:48 pm

Prosek: Taalismn.... *taps a rolled up newspaper in his hands* that Kevin blooper was low.... *points the rolled up newspaper at Taalismn* even for all of us who like bloopers. Now, you don't want me to bap you now for some comic relief, do you??? *starts glaring at Taalismn as Erin Tarn steps up to stand be side Prosek, nodding her head in agreement, with the whole of the CS, Atlantis, and Gargoyle Empire Armies gathering behind them, and start to point various pointy and blunt instruments at him.*

*****************************

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:27 pm

(grumbles) "Not my fault those idiots...(gestures to three Dimensional Assassins trying to look innocent)...can't read an Nth-dimensional map...I didn't even HIRE them...somebody else's ratf&*&*8%s (Dimensional Raider suddenly starts from where he's reading through a folder entitled 'Completed Rifts Manuscripts, Unpublished' and suddenly whisks it behind his back and begins whistling innocently...or at least TRIES to whistle...)...put the blame where it belongs..."(Cut to Mephisto, who suddenly begins vehemently shaking his head..."Hey, I didn't have a THING to do with this one.....not me! Not me!")

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:23 pm

ROFLMAO!!! Those are great! Please keep them coming!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:27 pm

Several ISS officers are picking through a crime scene...looking at the anthropoid grease-spot and the evidence in the room...
Senior ISS Officer: "Got an inventory of the room, yet?"
Junior Officer: "Not yet, but what we've checked on, confirms it...It's all from Mister S's cache..."
Senior: (whistles)"Bet Mister S will be pleased to get his stuff back...Any ID on the cinder?"
Junior: " Not yet...we're trying for DNA from the extremities, but looks like a petty crook from what else we've found...What are you thinking? Fall-out between partners in crime? Deal gone sour? "
Senior: "Doesn't look like anything was taken, aside from overkill damage...looks like this guy got sanctioned with extreme prejudice."
Junior: " Hit and burn?"
Senior: "Yep...given Mister S's business, probably some zealous gamefans decided to dispense some 'justice'."
Junior: "Should we start interviewing the forums?"
Senior: "Naw...they'll close ranks and go defensive if we start nosing it was one of their own that did this...We'd need about a zillion warrants for invasive mind-read for a full interrogation-spectrum, and I really don't want the headache of running to Psi-Net for this..."
Junior: "So how we proceed? "
Senior: "Wait on Forensics here, see what pops up on the ID, and inform Mister S we have some of his stuff...Let the uniforms handle the rest of the stuff here and interview the neighbors. Me, I'm grabbing dinner. Come along? "
Junior: "S'right if we try to catch the latest episode of 'Lazlo: Who Shot Erin Tarn'?"
Senior: "You watch that crud?...I figured out who it was after three episodes.."
(walking away)
Junior: "Yeah, you kidding? Who do _you_ think did it?"
Senior: "...___...."
Junior: "...Ferkelberger?!..."

Rathorc Lemenger · Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:50 am

Scene 1: Posek comes walking out onto the stage, to great fanfare and welcome, and heads towards the podium. But half way to the podium, Prosek notices too late that the stage has been recently waxed (and is still wet) and goes slipping off the stage, and lands.... with his face in the crutch of a male Dogboy.

*************

Scene 2: 2 days later in Prosek's office. Prosek's talking to Bradford over a communications screen.

Bradford: So, I heard what happened a couple of days ago. And here's my thoughts on the subject....

Prosek: *yelling at the sreen* SHUT UP, BRADFORD.

Bradford: *grinning* I'm going to say it anyway: I never knew you swung that way. Zing.

**********************

Authors note: Just to let everyone know, that scene's been playing through my mind for the last 5 days.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:47 am

Scene 2: Prosek marches up to the podium, with the banner of the Coalition behind him...He starts his speech,...and the banner comes loose and falls, draping over him...

Scene 3: Prosek steadies himself at the podium, opens his mouth to start his speech...and his dental plate falls out...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Feb 12, 2008 4:57 pm

-Long Range Missile Battalion on the outskirts of Chi-Town...
Officer: "Incoming fire request; Fire Mission three-four-foxtrot-alpha! Full spread of plasma ordnance! Sound when loaded!"
Gunner: " Five-Zero of Mark Ought-Ought-Six Plasma, loaded and ready, Sir!"
Officer: "Fire Coordinates: Zulu-Whiskey-Foxtrot-Alpha-Gamma-Whiskey! Confirm coordinate download!"
Gunner: "Locked in, Sir! Birds warm and ready to launch!"
Officer: "Fire when ready! FIRE!"
***FFFWWHHHOOOSSSHHHH****
-Fifty long range heavy plasma missiles leap from their silos in a storm of exhaust flames, smoke, and casing debris...They streak into the sky, arcing on a northerly heading....
...then just as quickly arc around and head right due south....getting smaller in the distance before coming to an end in a flash of light and a mushroom cloud at the apex of Chi-Town...
Gunner: "Was that Foxtrot-Alpha Gamma-Whiskey or was it Foxtrot-Gamma-Alpha-Whiskey?"
Officer: (as sound of impact rolls over them)"...Oops..."

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:59 pm

ROFLMAO!!! Those are great! Please keep them coming!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:38 am

Failed Mystic Knight Orders:

Knights of the Poison Ivy
The Funny Shoe Cavaliers
The Lords of Slight Disorganization
The Unholy-Only-Every-Other-Wednesday Order
The Ear-Pinchers
The IOUers
Knights of the Mystic Skunk Cabbage
The Pencil-Breakers
The Sorta Greyish-Tinted Company of Rather Unpleasant and Annoying Fellows

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:52 pm

ROFLMAO!!!! :lol:

That was a great set of orders!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Feb 15, 2008 7:54 pm

"Emperor Prosek! We got him! WE got him dead to rights!!! We got Dunscon right in our sights! It's all in these photos!"
"Okay...what am I looking at here...wait a minute....is that...?!"
"Yep...The notorious, evil, sinister, merciless, heartless, diabolical Lord Dunscon....dressed up in a bunny suit handing out toys to orphans...Let's see him live THIS one down when we e-mail copies to his demonic advisors and his constituents!"

BookWyrm · Unread post by **BookWyrm** » Fri Feb 15, 2008 9:10 pm

Once more, with feeling.....

Prosek, dressed in full regalia, is about to step up to the podium. His face a mask of grim confidence as he quietly speeks to his latest (and so far, still alive) personal assistant....

Prosek: The janitor that missed the banana peel...?
P.A.: Reassigned to Antarctica, highness.
Prosek: His replacement that waxed the floor...?
P.A.: Air-dropped into the nearest Xiticix hive, highness.
Prosek: The Dog-Boy from that incident...?
P.A: Sent to the Vampire Kingdoms front, highness.
Prosek: The maintenance person who mounted the banner...?
P.A.: Gift-wrapped & sent parcel-post to the heart of the Gargoyle lands in Germany, highness.
Prosek: *sigh* Then let us finally get this over with.

The CS anthem swells, Prosek steps out on cue, confident, powerful. The crowd bursts into near-deafening adulation, he reaches the podium....
Rases his hand to quiet the audience, they go silent as if a switch had been thrown....
He opens his mouth to speak---

sound FX: *zzzzziiiippppp!*

Prosek's eyes go wide. Without moving his head, he looks down.....

(yes, I saw that movie. No need to fill in the rest of the scene.)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:37 pm

"Vanguard Underarm Deodorant...You can't see it, but it's there, working to keep you safe!...Er, I mean smelling nice! I mean, safe from sweat!...ARGH! Are you laughing at me? That's it! FIREBALL!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:38 pm

(Emperor Prosek appears in front of a large rear projection screen that lights up to show a patoral scene...)
Prosek: "You can't see Erin Tarn in this picture...she could be behind the wall, or behind that tree, or maybe in that woodshed...But WE know where she is!"
( The rain barrel promptly explodes)
Prosek: "Moving on...You can't see Lord Dunscon in this next picture...But WE..."

-Emperor Prosek, Chi-Town Military Academy Lecture Series; 'The Importance of Not Being Seen"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 4:08 am

ROFLMAO!!! Those are great! Please keep them coming!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:00 pm

Bunch of Tolkeenite soldiers are sitting around an Iron Juggernaut, when a whistling sound starts, growing in intensity....
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-When the Iron Juggernaut starts spouting live steam from all its seams.
Tolkeen Soldier: "Tea's up!"
-Everybody holds out their tin cups...

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 6:27 pm

ROFLMAO!!! THat was a great one! Please keep them coming!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:39 pm

Rifts Football.....
The CS Patriots Versus the Tolkeen Giants...
(Shot of bunch of humans in the stands, stripped to the waist, with 'Punisher'-style skulls painted on their bare chests, beer cans in hand, jumping, hootin', and hollering...suddenly the camera pans back to one in particular...It's Karl Prosek!)
Prosek: "Look! I'm on the Jumbotron!"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:09 am

ROFLMAO!!! Just one question did Plato use BBQ sauce? Great ones both of you! Please keep them coming!

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:54 am

LOL

Good one! Please keep them coming!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 7:23 pm

---Reacher tentacle patting around a landscape looking for something...
#CURSES!! I -KNEW- I DROPPED MY WALLET AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!!!*

DhAkael · Unread post by **DhAkael** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:58 pm

Scene one) A mile high rift tears open over a super nexus, and from within a vile terrible inhumanly indescribable horror beyond comprehension steps forth.
Paris Hilton; "That's like totaly not hot! They told me this wand would take me to Monaco..."
-------------------------------------------------
Scene two) Same rift, different full-moon. Out tumble a demon made of shadows and flame and a grey robed old man holding onto a brightly glowing sword.
Greyman; "Now this really takes the biscut! Can't you steer?! 10,000 years old and you have all the dircetion sense of a half blind one legged horse!"

Demon(?); "Not my fault. If you weren't so busy trying to cut me bleedin 'eart out we'd be in Brixton by now at the Auld Spot havin' a pint a'bitters now..."
--------------------------------------------------
Scene three: Calgary rift, solar eclipse full moon and 3 planet alignment.
Echoing sound of something almost mechanical. A blue wodden box with single light on top, 7ft. high and 4ft. square at the base, with the word POLICE stencild on all four sides, appears just outside of the rift as it closes. After a few minutes the door opens and a spectacularly tacky-dressed 2-headed 3 armed human, holding a steaming martini glass staggers out.
Z.B.; "Trillian? Honey? Remind me next time not to have a drinking contest with a timelord using Pan-galactc Gargleblasters...and then steal his ship."
T.McT; "I keep telling you Zaphod. Buttons aren't toys!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:28 pm

Paris Hilton....
How can you adequately make fun of somebody who's so naturally efficient at humiliating herself that it takes all the fun out of it...?
It's like muting a mime...

DhAkael · Unread post by **DhAkael** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:30 pm

taalismn wrote:Paris Hilton....
How can you adequately make fun of somebody who's so naturally efficient at humiliating herself that it takes all the fun out of it...?
It's like muting a mime...

It's the lead up that does it

Who were you expecting? C'thullhu perhaps?

He's busy getting his tentacles done at the spa

shiiv-a · Unread post by **shiiv-a** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:31 pm

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:40 pm

DhAkael wrote:It's the lead up that does it
Who were you expecting? C'thullhu perhaps?
He's busy getting his tentacles done at the spa

Great...one unspeakable horror getting a manicure, while the other unspeakable horror's a few couches down, getting her hair done...

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 2:57 am

ROFLMAO!!! Those were some great ones! :lol:

Please keep them coming!

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:56 am

Speaking of unspeakable horrors. I thought that was the hairstyles of the survivors under the government of the coalition. I mean look at Emperor Prosek's hair cut not a single point to poke an eye out with. And how much brylcream does he use. Obviously the coalition must have found that factory.

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:12 am

ROFLMAO!!! The thought.............it's enough to stun! :lol:

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:23 am

And I used a tube of brylcream. Don't you think this is the style that the Coalition army should wear! I think so. Make it so!