Meanwhile, in one of the Evangelion Sub-Lines already visited/spoiled:
#Knock-knock-knock#
“...”
#Knock-knock-knock#
“HEY SPINELESS! GET THE DOOR ALREADY!”
#Knock-knock-knock#
“WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, SPINELESS? GET THE DAMN D---oh, wait, he’s off with Misato at HQ. COMING!”
*Click-clatter-unlock*
“Okay, what do y-”
Asuka stared at what looked like an older version of her....taller, more built, clad in a dark red outfit that looked like a cross between a Plugsuit and a suit of high-tech armor. And she had a big nasty-looking sidearm strapped to her hip. A high-tech hairpiece that definitely was NOT a set of A-10 clips, adorned hair done back in a ponytail. An equally high-tech helment under one arm explained the hair style.
“Who the hell are you?!”
“I’m your future self, and have no doubt about it, I CAN kick your ass. Around the apartment, over the block, and to the moon. So listen up, or else you’ll get scrooged in ways that will leave you whimpering. This is important, more important than your asinine pride, and it will keep you both sane and alive, IF you listen up and committ it to memory!”
Asuka stared, utterly taken aback by this twisted mirror-image laying down verbal smack to her.
“First off, quit kicking Shinji in the crotch and lay off the ‘twig’ jokes. Size isn’t everything, and technique counts for a lot, as Shinji can attest, or at least MY Shinji can attest, what with what seems to be at least a quarter of the universe’s single females after him.”
“....”
“Yeah, under the right kinds of stress, Shinji’s a berserker. The RIGHT kinds; yelling and punching him up doesn’t count. Try vanilla candles, a better quality of beer than Misato’s got laying about, handcuffs, and a satin nightgown. MIGHT work here; Shinji hasn’t learned yet how to dislocate his wrists painlessly.”
“....”
”And another thing; so you got the last three Angels blown out in front of you by somebody else. So freaking what! Get over it! There’s ALWAYS going to be somebody out there better than you at something, or possessing a bigger gun. Quit whining and complaining about it and enjoy the peace and quiet; it beats getting your soul raped and your brain turned inside out.”
“...”
“And if you DO wind up facing down an Angel, don’t go it alone! Trust your backup, cover your backup, and be part of the team! No glory in getting butchered all by your lonesome. Stick close to your team, ALL your team, blue-haired albinoes included, and you all sail home happy. Go off on your own, and you’ll be picked off like pigeons.”
“...”
“And if you come across a tripartite coral-colored flower that moves against the breeze, I suggest transplanting it to a nice deep planter...window box will do just fine....and water it regularly, Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, chew, eat, or sniff it. Just don’t. If any white-haired guys with red eyes show up, give him a blossom. If any big armored bugs show up, let them have the flowers.”
“...”
“Oh yeah, and Beard Guy’s the bastard you CANNOT trust. Stay well away from him if somebody hasn’t already done him in. Remember all this, and you’ll stand a MUCH better chance of not winding up a puddle of go or on a beach getting strangled by Shinji.”
“...”
*SMACK!* “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!!???”
”So you don’t forget, and so you know this is real.”
*SMACK!* “NOW WHAT THE HELL WAS -THAT- FOR?!”
“Because you’re younger me, and I know younger me, and I know it will take more than one hit to get the point through my dense little younger head.”
*SMACK!* “HEY! THAT WAS-”
”Because I can. And because Section Two couldn’t spot or stop an elephant from coming up to this apartment and trampling you. Let this be a lesson to BOTH of you. Goodbye, and hope we don’t have to meet again.”
#SLAM#
“....What the %<@& was THAT?!”
#OPEN#
*SMACK!* “That was for an even number.”
#SLAM#
*@*“...v
anilla candles and handcuffs?....”
-----
On a stretch of Tokyo-3 roadway, Misato had to stop her car and pull over to see why Shinji had a sudden sneezing and trembling fit...