Monument City Highschool #69(open humor thread)

[Arnie100]

taalismn rounds the corner and encounters a group of young women wearing school uniforms, two sizes too small, with VERY short skirts.

taalismn: "What are YOU doing here!?!"

Sisters of Cleaning: "We're the school's Morals Committee,aka; the Hall Monitors. Are you trying to draw helpless schoolgirls into a Loleta-like relationship with members of the teaching staff? Abusing your ultimate power over them to force them to submit to your perverted desires!?!"

taalismn: "OH GOD NO!!!"

Head Sister: "You ... you ... MONSTER!!!"

Arnie100: "Now, now, ladies...everything'll be alright...just follow me..."
Head Sister: "He's such a nice man..."
taalismn: "What just happened?!"
SRoss: (Facepalm...)
taalismn: "You mean..."
S'Ross: "A'yup."

[taalismn]

My zombie plan involves shooting him and using him to bait other zombies away from me.
My backup zombie plan involves getting infected, then eating him.

[Alpha 11]

Awareness: "All the possible video games out there, AND HE HAD TO PUT ME IN THIS ONE!!!"

Game: "Welcome programs."

Arnie100: "Hey...Dr. Nichols...I haven't seen these in years!! Do you mind??"
Louie: "Have at it!
Arnie100: "I could be up all night playing these!"
Haydonite: <"Uh-oh..".>
Awareness: <"Awareness, save me!! Wait...I am the Awareness!! We're doomed!">

Edwards: "The Defense Against Dark Arts course is our most expensive class! And the year's barely started! Do you have anything to say in your defense!?!"

Arnie100: "Well..."

Edwards: (Pointing to an old looking wine cabinet) "And what's this!?! Your latest purchase!?!"

Arnie100: "Umm..."

Edwards: (Flinging open the cabinet) "IIIEEEE!!! ARRRGGG!!!"

Elswhere...

Lisa: (Writing in her notebook) "Number 44778 - Possessed by creature in the dybbuk box."

[Alpha 11]

Arnie100: "Doesn't anyone read the warning labels in my class?"
SRoss: "You don't have any warning labels..."
Arnie100: "I forgot about those! Should I...?"
SRoss: "Let 'em learn on their own!"

Harry Potter: "I'm rather glad I graduated before the school's motto became 'survival of the fittest'."

Harry Potter: "I'm rather glad I graduated before the school's motto became 'survival of the fittest'."

Ron: "I still have nightmares about that class...(shudders)"
Hermione: "I rather enjoyed the demonstrations!"
Harry: "Those were kind of fun watching that Rand guy..."
Hermione: "That's what he gets for trying to hit on me..."
Harry: "So you're the one that's been volunteering him?!"
Hermione:
Ron: "Remind not to get you angry with me."

taalismn rounds the corner and encounters a group of young women wearing school uniforms, two sizes too small, with VERY short skirts.

taalismn: "What are YOU doing here!?!"

Sisters of Cleaning: "We're the school's Morals Committee,aka; the Hall Monitors. Are you trying to draw helpless schoolgirls into a Loleta-like relationship with members of the teaching staff? Abusing your ultimate power over them to force them to submit to your perverted desires!?!"

taalismn: "OH GOD NO!!!"

Head Sister: "You ... you ... MONSTER!!!"

Great, they're back.

Harry: "Honestly, back in the day all we had to wrry about was bog trolls and creepy nemesises coming back from the dead. These days, high schools seem to suffer from ramapant wardrobe malfunctions, zombie plagues, and alien invasions. Sometimes several at the same time."
Hermione: "Bet you had a zombie plan you were just itching to try out."
Harry: "Damn straight."

[Alpha 11]

taalismn rounds the corner and encounters a group of young women wearing school uniforms, two sizes too small, with VERY short skirts.

taalismn: "What are YOU doing here!?!"

Sisters of Cleaning: "We're the school's Morals Committee,aka; the Hall Monitors. Are you trying to draw helpless schoolgirls into a Loleta-like relationship with members of the teaching staff? Abusing your ultimate power over them to force them to submit to your perverted desires!?!"

taalismn: "OH GOD NO!!!"

Head Sister: "You ... you ... MONSTER!!!"

Arnie100: "Now, now, ladies...everything'll be alright...just follow me..."
Head Sister: "He's such a nice man..."
taalismn: "What just happened?!"
SRoss: (Facepalm...)
taalismn: "You mean..."
S'Ross: "A'yup."

My zombie plan involves shooting him and using him to bait other zombies away from me.
My backup zombie plan involves getting infected, then eating him.

[SRoss]

taalismn: "Umm ... Why are you naked?"

SRoss: "And completely hairless?"

Arnie100: "$%^& Immaculate Marine spot checks!"

[guardiandashi]

Harry Potter: "I'm rather glad I graduated before the school's motto became 'survival of the fittest'."

Ron: "I still have nightmares about that class...(shudders)"
Hermione: "I rather enjoyed the demonstrations!"
Harry: "Those were kind of fun watching that Rand guy..."
Hermione: "That's what he gets for trying to hit on me..."
Harry: "So you're the one that's been volunteering him?!"
Hermione:
Ron: "Remind not to get you angry with me."

Sarah wanders by down the hall muttering: "fire extinguisher... Fire extinguisher!!"
"You would think the collateral damage from the plasma grenade would be acceptable for stopping the zombies, I mean its not like I killed anyone important...."

[Arnie100]

Rand: "Thank God for stunt doubles! Whoever thought that a place for learning would be so dangerous?!"
Stage tech: "Rand...your stunt double called in sick...you actually have to do the next scene..."
Rand: (Reading script...) "Oh; come on...zombies in a school? REALLY? (Turns around...) Uh-oh...(...and sees a horde of zombies...)"
Sarah: "I'd give you a plasma grenade...but I used it in the last scene."
Rand: "I hate school..."

[taalismn]

taalismn: "Umm ... Why are you naked?"

SRoss: "And completely hairless?"

Arnie100: "$%^& Immaculate Marine spot checks!"

Okay...just went through my yearly budgeted supply of brain-bleach.

[SRoss]

taalismn: "Umm ... Why are you naked?"

SRoss: "And completely hairless?"

Arnie100: "$%^& Immaculate Marine spot checks!"

Okay...just went through my yearly budgeted supply of brain-bleach.

What can I say, he forgot the rule that something always happens to prevent The Sisters of Cleaning from getting any.

[Arnie100]

Arnie100: "Well...this is for you (hands bottle of brain-bleach to SRoss)...for you (to taalismn) and...down the hatch!!"
taalismn: "Where do you get all these?! (After emptying the bottle)
SRoss: "My budget barely covers the semester!"
Arnie100: "I keep a few extras...for emergencies! (Notices something down the hall...)...Uh-oh...(and dives into class dragging SRoss and taalismn into the room...immediately kicks Rand out the door)"
Rand: "What the --?!"
SRoss: "What'd do you that for?!"
taalismn: "Seriously!!"
Arnie100: "Shhhhh...they'll hear you!!"

(Out in the hallway...)

Rand: "Now why'd he do that?!"
Immaculate Marine #1: "You there...HALT!!!!"
Immaculate Marine #2: "SPOT CHECK!!"
Rand:

(Back in the class...)

Arnie100: "THAT'S why!!"
taalismn and SRoss: "Oooooohhhh..."
Arnie100: "Here...(Passess out more brain-bleach)"

[Alpha 11]

taalismn: "Umm ... Why are you naked?"

SRoss: "And completely hairless?"

Arnie100: "$%^& Immaculate Marine spot checks!"

Harry Potter: "I'm rather glad I graduated before the school's motto became 'survival of the fittest'."

Ron: "I still have nightmares about that class...(shudders)"
Hermione: "I rather enjoyed the demonstrations!"
Harry: "Those were kind of fun watching that Rand guy..."
Hermione: "That's what he gets for trying to hit on me..."
Harry: "So you're the one that's been volunteering him?!"
Hermione:
Ron: "Remind not to get you angry with me."

Sarah wanders by down the hall muttering: "fire extinguisher... Fire extinguisher!!"
"You would think the collateral damage from the plasma grenade would be acceptable for stopping the zombies, I mean its not like I killed anyone important...."

Rand: "Thank God for stunt doubles! Whoever thought that a place for learning would be so dangerous?!"
Stage tech: "Rand...your stunt double called in sick...you actually have to do the next scene..."
Rand: (Reading script...) "Oh; come on...zombies in a school? REALLY? (Turns around...) Uh-oh...(...and sees a horde of zombies...)"
Sarah: "I'd give you a plasma grenade...but I used it in the last scene."
Rand: "I hate school..."

[Alpha 11]

taalismn: "Umm ... Why are you naked?"

SRoss: "And completely hairless?"

Arnie100: "$%^& Immaculate Marine spot checks!"

Okay...just went through my yearly budgeted supply of brain-bleach.

taalismn: "Umm ... Why are you naked?"

SRoss: "And completely hairless?"

Arnie100: "$%^& Immaculate Marine spot checks!"

Okay...just went through my yearly budgeted supply of brain-bleach.

What can I say, he forgot the rule that something always happens to prevent The Sisters of Cleaning from getting any.

Arnie100: "Well...this is for you (hands bottle of brain-bleach to SRoss)...for you (to taalismn) and...down the hatch!!"
taalismn: "Where do you get all these?! (After emptying the bottle)
SRoss: "My budget barely covers the semester!"
Arnie100: "I keep a few extras...for emergencies! (Notices something down the hall...)...Uh-oh...(and dives into class dragging SRoss and taalismn into the room...immediately kicks Rand out the door)"
Rand: "What the --?!"
SRoss: "What'd do you that for?!"
taalismn: "Seriously!!"
Arnie100: "Shhhhh...they'll hear you!!"

(Out in the hallway...)

Rand: "Now why'd he do that?!"
Immaculate Marine #1: "You there...HALT!!!!"
Immaculate Marine #2: "SPOT CHECK!!"
Rand:

(Back in the class...)

Arnie100: "THAT'S why!!"
taalismn and SRoss: "Oooooohhhh..."
Arnie100: "Here...(Passess out more brain-bleach)"

[taalismn]

BioSanitation Squad Trooper: "No, no, no, that's not how you use a plunger. It's not THRUST-THRUST-THRUST, it's THRUST-PULL-THRUST. Set up a pumping motion, see?"

[Arnie100]

Sisters Of Cleaning: "You bad, BAD man!! Now, we're gonna have to PUNISH you!! Immaculate Marines, THEY need a SPOT CHECK!!"
BSS Trooper: "Mother..."

[taalismn]

BSS Sarge: "I got Windex and I'm not afraid to use it."

[Arnie100]

Immaculate Marine #1: "Yeah? You missed a spot!!"
BSS Sarge: (Actually turns to look...) "What sp-- "
Immaculate Marine #2: "Get him!!"

(An hour later...)

BSS Trooper: "Uhmmmm...Sarge...you're..."
BSS Sarge: "Don't say anything...or I'll assign you permanent duty to the Dark Arts Class!!"

[taalismn]

Vice Principle: "What in tarnation is going on here and why does this hallway REEK of antisepAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!"
Immaculate Marine 1: "...forgot to put out the 'Caution: Waxed Floor" signs..."
Immaculate Marine 2: "It doesn't looks o bad! He'll come to a complete stop at the..."
IMarine 1: "...stairwell at the end of the hall."
IMarine2: "Forgot to lock the door there too."
IMarine1: "Yep."
IMarine2: "It's a three story drop to the basement, right?"
IMarine1: "Yep."
IMarine2: "...Think the Eye of Terror will let us in?"

[Arnie100]

Dana: "So; what was that noise? Should we --?"
Nova: "Nope. Absolutely not!!"
Dana: "Come on...can't be that bad..."
Nova: "No. Uh-uh...I can smell that hallway...too clean! ESPECIALLY for this place!!"

[Alpha 11]

BioSanitation Squad Trooper: "No, no, no, that's not how you use a plunger. It's not THRUST-THRUST-THRUST, it's THRUST-PULL-THRUST. Set up a pumping motion, see?"

Sisters Of Cleaning: "You bad, BAD man!! Now, we're gonna have to PUNISH you!! Immaculate Marines, THEY need a SPOT CHECK!!"
BSS Trooper: "Mother..."

BSS Sarge: "I got Windex and I'm not afraid to use it."

Immaculate Marine #1: "Yeah? You missed a spot!!"
BSS Sarge: (Actually turns to look...) "What sp-- "
Immaculate Marine #2: "Get him!!"

(An hour later...)

BSS Trooper: "Uhmmmm...Sarge...you're..."
BSS Sarge: "Don't say anything...or I'll assign you permanent duty to the Dark Arts Class!!"

Vice Principle: "What in tarnation is going on here and why does this hallway REEK of antisepAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!"
Immaculate Marine 1: "...forgot to put out the 'Caution: Waxed Floor" signs..."
Immaculate Marine 2: "It doesn't looks o bad! He'll come to a complete stop at the..."
IMarine 1: "...stairwell at the end of the hall."
IMarine2: "Forgot to lock the door there too."
IMarine1: "Yep."
IMarine2: "It's a three story drop to the basement, right?"
IMarine1: "Yep."
IMarine2: "...Think the Eye of Terror will let us in?"

Dana: "So; what was that noise? Should we --?"
Nova: "Nope. Absolutely not!!"
Dana: "Come on...can't be that bad..."
Nova: "No. Uh-uh...I can smell that hallway...too clean! ESPECIALLY for this place!!"

[taalismn]

Custodian: "Somebody want to tell me why the vice-principle came bouncing down the stairwell, leaped through the open boiler room doors, and threw himself into the furnace?"

[Arnie100]

Immaculate Marine #1: "We have a vice-principle?!"
Immaculate Marine #2: "What're those..."
Custodian: "And why does it smell so clean?! Are you two after my job?!"

[taalismn]

Well, there WAS Vice-Principal Federof, but he's overdue from a field trip with some of the students....something about cross-country skiing....

[Arnie100]

But the students made it back safe and sound, I see...hhhhmmmm...

[taalismn]

But the students made it back safe and sound, I see...hhhhmmmm...

Didn't say that. Remember, not all parents drop their kids off at school wanting to see them at the end of the day...

[Arnie100]

Okay...HALF the kids made it back...the ones with some wilderness survival experience...or just plain common sense...

"Mom wants us to go WHERE?! And with WHO?!"
"Alright, kids...once we're don skiing, we're going to go rock climbing!! Who needs proper safety equipment, anyways??"

[glitterboy2098]

student 1: "why is it we never see the Groundskeepers?"
student 2: "i don't know."

*meanwhile, unnoticed in the bushes next to them, a Reasonable Marine finishes his branch trimming, and completes his ghille suit at the same time..*

[Alpha 11]

Custodian: "Somebody want to tell me why the vice-principle came bouncing down the stairwell, leaped through the open boiler room doors, and threw himself into the furnace?"

Immaculate Marine #1: "We have a vice-principle?!"
Immaculate Marine #2: "What're those..."
Custodian: "And why does it smell so clean?! Are you two after my job?!"

Well, there WAS Vice-Principal Federof, but he's overdue from a field trip with some of the students....something about cross-country skiing....

But the students made it back safe and sound, I see...hhhhmmmm...

But not him?

But the students made it back safe and sound, I see...hhhhmmmm...

Didn't say that. Remember, not all parents drop their kids off at school wanting to see them at the end of the day...

Okay...HALF the kids made it back...the ones with some wilderness survival experience...or just plain common sense...

"Mom wants us to go WHERE?! And with WHO?!"
"Alright, kids...once we're don skiing, we're going to go rock climbing!! Who needs proper safety equipment, anyways??"

student 1: "why is it we never see the Groundskeepers?"
student 2: "i don't know."

*meanwhile, unnoticed in the bushes next to them, a Reasonable Marine finishes his branch trimming, and completes his ghille suit at the same time..*

[guardiandashi]

student 1: "why is it we never see the Groundskeepers?"
student 2: "i don't know."

*meanwhile, unnoticed in the bushes next to them, a Reasonable Marine finishes his branch trimming, and completes his ghille suit at the same time..*

Sarah burrowing away (mental flashback to the movie short circuit 2) "Sarah's in the tunnel with ... err wait I am not in the tunnel with anyone... keeps burrowing past the ambush point and then heads to the "finish line" after pulling a (Sergeant Escrimia reference Phule's company by Robert Asprin where he "captured the machine gunner on the "confidence course (obstacle course)" by "taking him out and threatening to slit his throat for real if he didn't surrender)

[glitterboy2098]

Reasonable Marines

The Reasonable Marines are a chapter that “are what Space Marines would be if 40K was less grimdark, the Imperium was a benevolent governmental body, Tau were happy Koreans and Abaddon was competent.” Instead of wearing incredibly obvious colors on their armor, the Reasonable Marines use camouflage to sneak up on enemies, make heavy use of tactics involving cover, and are very practical. The main gag, of course, being that the actual Space Marine chapters are nowhere near that careful and prefer to charge at the enemy guns blazing.

http://1d4chan.org/images/8/83/Reasonable_marine.JPG

[taalismn]

"Gosh, Mister Federoff, we're lucky to have survived that! Walking into an avalanche like that!"
"Walking into ambush is more like it. That avalanche triggered by explosive."
"Explosive?! Who could be so careless, blasting where people are hiking?"
'Blasting BECAUSE people were hiking. Avalanche meant to kill."
"Kill?! Somebody wanted to kill somebody?!"
"Specifically US."
"Not sure. Federoff have plenty of enemies want kill him, but ex-wives always want personal touch so know who killing him and why, or use assassination attempt as foreplay for old time's sake roll in sack. And Federoff's old colleagues much more precise in efforts; not involve innocent bystanders. So, must be one or several of you somnebody want killed."
"US?! Heavens why?! I don't know anybody who'd want to kill me!"
"Too bad. You know you arrived when you have at least one assassination attempt on you. We figure out who later, now, we hope avalanche meant to kill straightout, not herd us. That way assassins have to come down to confirm body. Use that to escape or get them."
"How are we going to do that, Mister Vice Principle?!"
""No worries, Federoff old hand at this, You watch, lern, very education field trip should be."

[taalismn]

Reasonable Marines

The Reasonable Marines are a chapter that “are what Space Marines would be if 40K was less grimdark, the Imperium was a benevolent governmental body, Tau were happy Koreans and Abaddon was competent.” Instead of wearing incredibly obvious colors on their armor, the Reasonable Marines use camouflage to sneak up on enemies, make heavy use of tactics involving cover, and are very practical. The main gag, of course, being that the actual Space Marine chapters are nowhere near that careful and prefer to charge at the enemy guns blazing.

http://1d4chan.org/images/8/83/Reasonable_marine.JPG

I always love how the Reasonable Marines effectively have 'fasttalk' and can effectively redtape enemies into surrender. And their combat with other commando Chapters where nothing will happen for weeks or months, then POOF! A building disintegrates, nothing else disturbed in the vicinity. Then nothing else happens for weeks or months.
Of course, their downside is that just about EVERYBODY else teams up on them when they take the field.

[Alpha 11]

student 1: "why is it we never see the Groundskeepers?"
student 2: "i don't know."

*meanwhile, unnoticed in the bushes next to them, a Reasonable Marine finishes his branch trimming, and completes his ghille suit at the same time..*

Sarah burrowing away (mental flashback to the movie short circuit 2) "Sarah's in the tunnel with ... err wait I am not in the tunnel with anyone... keeps burrowing past the ambush point and then heads to the "finish line" after pulling a (Sergeant Escrimia reference Phule's company by Robert Asprin where he "captured the machine gunner on the "confidence course (obstacle course)" by "taking him out and threatening to slit his throat for real if he didn't surrender)

Reasonable Marines

The Reasonable Marines are a chapter that “are what Space Marines would be if 40K was less grimdark, the Imperium was a benevolent governmental body, Tau were happy Koreans and Abaddon was competent.” Instead of wearing incredibly obvious colors on their armor, the Reasonable Marines use camouflage to sneak up on enemies, make heavy use of tactics involving cover, and are very practical. The main gag, of course, being that the actual Space Marine chapters are nowhere near that careful and prefer to charge at the enemy guns blazing.

http://1d4chan.org/images/8/83/Reasonable_marine.JPG

Link doesn't work.

"Gosh, Mister Federoff, we're lucky to have survived that! Walking into an avalanche like that!"
"Walking into ambush is more like it. That avalanche triggered by explosive."
"Explosive?! Who could be so careless, blasting where people are hiking?"
'Blasting BECAUSE people were hiking. Avalanche meant to kill."
"Kill?! Somebody wanted to kill somebody?!"
"Specifically US."
"Not sure. Federoff have plenty of enemies want kill him, but ex-wives always want personal touch so know who killing him and why, or use assassination attempt as foreplay for old time's sake roll in sack. And Federoff's old colleagues much more precise in efforts; not involve innocent bystanders. So, must be one or several of you somnebody want killed."
"US?! Heavens why?! I don't know anybody who'd want to kill me!"
"Too bad. You know you arrived when you have at least one assassination attempt on you. We figure out who later, now, we hope avalanche meant to kill straightout, not herd us. That way assassins have to come down to confirm body. Use that to escape or get them."
"How are we going to do that, Mister Vice Principle?!"
""No worries, Federoff old hand at this, You watch, lern, very education field trip should be."

Reasonable Marines

The Reasonable Marines are a chapter that “are what Space Marines would be if 40K was less grimdark, the Imperium was a benevolent governmental body, Tau were happy Koreans and Abaddon was competent.” Instead of wearing incredibly obvious colors on their armor, the Reasonable Marines use camouflage to sneak up on enemies, make heavy use of tactics involving cover, and are very practical. The main gag, of course, being that the actual Space Marine chapters are nowhere near that careful and prefer to charge at the enemy guns blazing.

http://1d4chan.org/images/8/83/Reasonable_marine.JPG

I always love how the Reasonable Marines effectively have 'fasttalk' and can effectively redtape enemies into surrender. And their combat with other commando Chapters where nothing will happen for weeks or months, then POOF! A building disintegrates, nothing else disturbed in the vicinity. Then nothing else happens for weeks or months.
Of course, their downside is that just about EVERYBODY else teams up on them when they take the field.

Well, that's a bummer. Did a read up on them. Like them.

[taalismn]

Alexi Federoff
Kargan describes him as "an EBSIS spy and former drinking buddy of Boris Yeltsin'. I see him as an aging KGB operative who spent some time as a mole in the GRU(military intelligence) and found he liked them better than the KGB(and that creepy Putin guy). He's not the smartest, strongest, or most charismatic agent Russia ever turned out, and he's neither a leader nor an initiatior, but he IS a survivor. He may not have gotten the drop on James Bond in an op, but he has lived to tell of how many the other guys got chmucked over. He's smart enough not to drown himself in vodka, but not smart enough to keep his opinions to himself, and himself out of hot water...or cold gulag. He doesn't particularly like killing, but finds it necessary, and doesn't regret having to off some of the bozos sent after him.
A freak head injury left him with a tendency to refer to himself in the third person when speaking english and as 'Yuri' when speaking dutch. He's charming enough that he's bedded quite a few women, married many of them, and divorced from them just as quickly. He has no kids that he knows of. He considers learning to knit amongst his life's great accomplishments. He has a prosthetic hand with a replaceable middle finger that can hold a lighter, bottle opener, or single shot small caliber derringer.
Federoff found assignment to Ice Guard a welcome change of pace, especially after the aircraft transporting him to the base failed to plunge fatally into the freezing ocean as it was apparently gimmicked to do. Federoff figured he was bound for a gulag anyway, and one run by the UEG is a lot more pleasant than the EBSIS(New Soviet flavor)-run ones, and Major Jones actually gives a damn about his command.
How much Federoff knows about the EBSIS and whether it's enough that certain people want to kill him is up to debate. It's more likely that Federoff just annoyed enough people back in Russia that they just want to kill him on general principles. He suspects that his new assignment as occasional school vice-principal is a plan to draw him out where his enemies don't have to freeze their fingers off trying to kill him, and that's motive enough for him to want to get back to IceGuard where he can chill out, knot socks, read bad Russian philosophy and listen to the mutant polar bears howling at night.

[SRoss]

Perhaps it's that photo he posted of Vladimir Putin in pink frilly panties that put him on top of the EBSIS hit list.

[taalismn]

Perhaps it's that photo he posted of Vladimir Putin in pink frilly panties that put him on top of the EBSIS hit list.

Either that, or Putin's 'Bolshoi Man' costume.

[Alpha 11]

Alexi Federoff
Kargan describes him as "an EBSIS spy and former drinking buddy of Boris Yeltsin'. I see him as an aging KGB operative who spent some time as a mole in the GRU(military intelligence) and found he liked them better than the KGB(and that creepy Putin guy). He's not the smartest, strongest, or most charismatic agent Russia ever turned out, and he's neither a leader nor an initiatior, but he IS a survivor. He may not have gotten the drop on James Bond in an op, but he has lived to tell of how many the other guys got chmucked over. He's smart enough not to drown himself in vodka, but not smart enough to keep his opinions to himself, and himself out of hot water...or cold gulag. He doesn't particularly like killing, but finds it necessary, and doesn't regret having to off some of the bozos sent after him.
A freak head injury left him with a tendency to refer to himself in the third person when speaking english and as 'Yuri' when speaking dutch. He's charming enough that he's bedded quite a few women, married many of them, and divorced from them just as quickly. He has no kids that he knows of. He considers learning to knit amongst his life's great accomplishments. He has a prosthetic hand with a replaceable middle finger that can hold a lighter, bottle opener, or single shot small caliber derringer.
Federoff found assignment to Ice Guard a welcome change of pace, especially after the aircraft transporting him to the base failed to plunge fatally into the freezing ocean as it was apparently gimmicked to do. Federoff figured he was bound for a gulag anyway, and one run by the UEG is a lot more pleasant than the EBSIS(New Soviet flavor)-run ones, and Major Jones actually gives a damn about his command.
How much Federoff knows about the EBSIS and whether it's enough that certain people want to kill him is up to debate. It's more likely that Federoff just annoyed enough people back in Russia that they just want to kill him on general principles. He suspects that his new assignment as occasional school vice-principal is a plan to draw him out where his enemies don't have to freeze their fingers off trying to kill him, and that's motive enough for him to want to get back to IceGuard where he can chill out, knot socks, read bad Russian philosophy and listen to the mutant polar bears howling at night.

Nice little write up.

Perhaps it's that photo he posted of Vladimir Putin in pink frilly panties that put him on top of the EBSIS hit list.

Perhaps it's that photo he posted of Vladimir Putin in pink frilly panties that put him on top of the EBSIS hit list.

Either that, or Putin's 'Bolshoi Man' costume.

[taalismn]

Bear in mind , he knits BULLETPROOF sweaters, and he can have your eyes out with those knitting needles in a second.
Can James Bond mend wool socks?
Didn't think so.

[SRoss]

Alexi Federoff rounds the corner to his office...

Katyusha: "Папа!" <*Papa!*>

Alexi: " "

[taalismn]

Alexi Federoff rounds the corner to his office...

Katyusha: "Папа!" <*Papa!*>

Alexi: " "

Katyusha: "Mama sent me to live with you this winter!"
Alexi: "...funny...I thought your mother LIKED children?"

[Kargan3033]

*MCHS#69 lunchroom*

Nameless Student 1: " Wow it looks like we have a lot of new students here this year. "

Nameless Student 2: " Yes I know, say who's that strange girl? "

*Both students look towards the strange looking girl with purple hair and take notice of the strange eight pointed metal star like object on her back as well as the ragged clothing she is dressed in and the strange glowing tattoos on her body*

Cultist-Chan: " WAFFLLLESSS!

*The gathered students in the lunch room watch as the freakish girl with a bad speech impediment jumps over the lunch counter and beats the old, close to retirement lunch ladies into a bloody pile of broken bones and ruptured organs*

Cultist-Chan*standing over a huge pile of waffles*: " Hwee's cap-toored eet fohr Kay-ohss!! "

[Arnie100]

Arnie100: "I'm going back to my cabinet...(looking at SRoss and taalismn)...you two joining me?"
SRoss: "Count me in!"
taalismn: "The semester's barely started..."

[Alpha 11]

Bear in mind , he knits BULLETPROOF sweaters, and he can have your eyes out with those knitting needles in a second.
Can James Bond mend wool socks?
Didn't think so.

Wow.

Alexi Federoff rounds the corner to his office...

Katyusha: "Папа!" <*Papa!*>

Alexi: " "

Ok, the rooket system, or a person, and if a person, from which show?

Alexi Federoff rounds the corner to his office...

Katyusha: "Папа!" <*Papa!*>

Alexi: " "

Katyusha: "Mama sent me to live with you this winter!"
Alexi: "...funny...I thought your mother LIKED children?"

*MCHS#69 lunchroom*

Nameless Student 1: " Wow it looks like we have a lot of new students here this year. "

Nameless Student 2: " Yes I know, say who's that strange girl? "

*Both students look towards the strange looking girl with purple hair and take notice of the strange eight pointed metal star like object on her back as well as the ragged clothing she is dressed in and the strange glowing tattoos on her body*

Cultist-Chan: " WAFFLLLESSS!

*The gathered students in the lunch room watch as the freakish girl with a bad speech impediment jumps over the lunch counter and beats the old, close to retirement lunch ladies into a bloody pile of broken bones and ruptured organs*

Cultist-Chan*standing over a huge pile of waffles*: " Hwee's cap-toored eet fohr Kay-ohss!! "

Arnie100: "I'm going back to my cabinet...(looking at SRoss and taalismn)...you two joining me?"
SRoss: "Count me in!"
taalismn: "The semester's barely started..."

[taalismn]

Arnie100: "I'm going back to my cabinet...(looking at SRoss and taalismn)...you two joining me?"
SRoss: "Count me in!"
taalismn: "The semester's barely started..."

...always wondered why your filing drawers were morgue-sized, had heavy armor plating, and heavy locks that opened from the INSIDE...

[SRoss]

Alexi Federoff rounds the corner to his office...

Katyusha: "Папа!" <*Papa!*>

Alexi: " "

Katyusha: "Mama sent me to live with you this winter!"
Alexi: "...funny...I thought your mother LIKED children?"

Momma

[Alpha 11]

Arnie100: "I'm going back to my cabinet...(looking at SRoss and taalismn)...you two joining me?"
SRoss: "Count me in!"
taalismn: "The semester's barely started..."

...always wondered why your filing drawers were morgue-sized, had heavy armor plating, and heavy locks that opened from the INSIDE...

Alexi Federoff rounds the corner to his office...

Katyusha: "Папа!" <*Papa!*>

Alexi: " "

Katyusha: "Mama sent me to live with you this winter!"
Alexi: "...funny...I thought your mother LIKED children?"

Momma

Ya, you don't want to get on her bad side. And a great series btw.

[taalismn]

Yep, Federoff has fond memories of her. SCARY fond memories admittedly, but fond memories. And in his line of work, you cherish even the scary fond memories.

[Alpha 11]

Yep, Federoff has fond memories of her. SCARY fond memories admittedly, but fond memories. And in his line of work, you cherish even the scary fond memories.

[Arnie100]

Edwards: "Excuse me; Arnie100, you put in a request for a M.A.C. II?? May I ask why do you need such a heavy mecha??"
Arnie100: "Uhm...students???"
Edwards: "I forgot we had those...for once I'm approving your request...now get out of my office before I change my mind!!"

(Outside of Edwards' office...)

Arnie100: (Fist pumps) "Yes!!!! SCORE!!!"

[SRoss]

SRoss: "Ok Rocket! You want the Protoculture, here's the list of modifications." (Hands the raccoon a phone book sized sheaf of paper)