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Emperor Prosek(after a long conference with his generals): "Hey guys, mind if I go out for a few minutes...after all this arguing, I'm tired and I gotta go lie down for a spell...you guys can keep goi---what are you looking at me for?"
General Underhill: "He said 'spell'..."
EP:"Hey...it's just a figure of speech..."
General Kenshaw: "The Emperor would NEVER say 'spell'..."
EP: "Whattyamean?! I say 'spell' all the time...nap for a spell...spell it out...spell a word..."
Underhill:"No doubt his constant use of cloaking magic tires him out!"
Random CS General: " He uses mind control magic to affect our thoughts!"
EP: "Hey, we're ALL tired...maybe you all better take a rest..you're all acting kinda punchy..."
Underhill: "He seeks to take over our minds! Get us to lower our guard!"(draws his sidearm)
EP: "Great...I just happened to leave my body armor at the cleaners tonight..."

A'la Boot.

Location: At Lord Dunscon’s compound.

Scene: In the main meeting chamber, there’s 2 large sheet-covered objects in the middle of the room. One of Dunscon’s Advisers stands beside the objects while Lord Duncon is sitting in his throne.

Advisor: Lord Dunscon, I’d like to present to you a gift.

Dunscon: Yes?? What is it?

Advisor: *walks over to 1 of the objects* I assume that you know what this is, your lordship? *takes the sheet off of 1 the objects to reveal that it is a cage that contains a female Kill Cat, which hisses and tries to get out of the cage*.

Dunscon: Yes. I do. What of it?

Advisor: *walks over to the second object* Well. I’d like to present the next weapon that will ensure our victory. *takes off the second sheet to reveal a large, male mutant Skunk*.

Skunk: *Turns around and see’s the Kill Cat* Oh.. My. Hello there my beautiful mon chiere. *(Insert French accent here) Walks over to the side of the cage that’s closest to the Kill Cat* I belive that I’m in love.

The Kill Cat turns, see’s the Skunk & starts to freak out by trying to get out of the cage while hissing and screaming bloody murder.

Dunscon: Interesting.

Skunk: No my dear, you mustn't run from your prince, Peppy Le'pui.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger

Lord Dunscon shows up at the lab of one of his minions:
LD: "What did you have to show me?"
M: "I mean to summon a new weapon for your use...a vile and indescribable powerful and hideous beast that will secure your victory over all the mundanes!"
LD:"Oh, quit promising and just deliver, you jibbering ape! Get with it!"
M: "As you wish!"(goes through an elaborate summoning ceremony, then the room bursts into dark light)"Behold! The instrument of destruction I deliver into your hands!"
Shape Arising From the Center of the Room: "Hi! WE're the Care Bears and we're here to LOOOVVVEEEE you!!"
LD( stumbling towards the cowering minion): "Before my mind completely turns a slurpee, I'll KILL for this!"

Scene is of poker table in a dimly lit gambling house. Sitting around it are 4 individuals; A multi-tentacled one eyed monstrosity, a black haired but white at temples human male dressed in dark glossy armour with silver skull and crossed lightningh bolts on the left shoulder, A Female "sexy-robot" cyborg dressed in lab coat but with human face (and damn good looking one), and finaly a weizened old man dressed in brown robes and white hair.

Prossek; "I'll see your bid for world domination by legendary object and patsy, and raise you a genocide."

Myr'elyn; "Call."

Angel of Death; "Call."

Splyncryth; "He's bluffing...he's only got 1/10th. his standing army left and now has a war on 3 fronts. I'll raise 3 planetary enslavements and one megaversal marketplace."

Angel of Death; "Too rich for my blood...fold"

Myr'elyn; "Nuh-uh...call!"

Prossek; *weird gleam in his eye* "...call"

Croupier / Dealer; "Lets see your cards"

Much cursing and swearing from Myr'elyn, Angelica...and Splyncryth?

Splyncryth; "Wait, what? No way! You stacked the deck!!!!"

Cards revealed in Prossek's hand = 3 duces one jack and a card sized note with the words "You win. To my bestest buddy in the whole megaverse." Signed... Kevin Siembiada.

LOL ....

Worse if they were playing poker with tarot cards....

taalismn wrote:Worse if they were playing poker with tarot cards....

Yeah, but Splyncryth is a traditionalist.
Gotta be the clubs, dimonds, hearts and spades
Besides, Tarrot deck would have too many...unfortunate side effects

As the Wheel of fortune, the Tower and 10 of swords are laid on the table... an almighty explosion rocks Stormspitre as a golden wagon-wheel spitting firey magic swords, rolls past knocking down the massive TW building.

K'Zaa; "Damn it Nyxla! That's the third time this month you blew up my place! I wanna see that deck...."

"Foul move, Lord of the Deep, playing that Lovers card.."

As Emporer Prosek sits down at his computer after a long day of ruling his territories with an iron fist, there's a little chime

"You've got mail"

Opening the tab, he quickly scans his new mail when one really catches his attention.

"New CsHarmony Match!"

Almost giddy, he opens the link and starts to read the details.

"You've been matched with this person on ALL 29 dimensions!"

He reads on...

Middle aged atractive white human female. Well traveled, looking for someone to settle down with. Seeking well established, caring, responsible, attractive man to share the remainder of my days with. If interested, drop me a line
etarn@csnet.net

At least she's human....

Let's keep 'em going people. Bring on the Guffa's.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

In'Valian drives up to Palladium Books in his souped-up Naruni Juggernaut(RRRROMMMPPPHHHHHHH), pops the front hatch(clang) and climbs out in his exoskeleton(chungchungchungthungh), locks the tank up with his key remote(*beepboop!*) and strides off(*kshangkshangkshang)...his tank, prominently displaying the 'Handicapped Parking Permit' as the giant vehicle takes up a full six other spaces...

Palladium employee stuck in car with several other cars stuck behind him looking at the now inaccessible parking spaces: "I really hate that guy..."

Not too shabby, Taalismn. But I KNOW that we can all do better then that. Maybe we could do some "toliet" humor?? I do NOT mean having a talking toliet either, Taalismn, so don't go there.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Rathorc: That also includes something like this. *Holds up a picture of Prossak on the toilet, with his pants around his knees & reading a large newpaper that was stratigically place.*

*Just then, Erin walks over to take a look at the picture, then runs away screaming as smoke pours from her eyes.*

Erin: Oh gods.... My eyes. Must.... Stop.... Burning....

*All of a sudden, just as Rathorc watches Erin runs off, Prossak stomps up, grabs the picture, then procceeds to tear it apart.*

Carl: *Glaring at Rathorc the whole time* Never... EVER do that again.

Rathorc: *Shrugs at Prossak* No prob. *Then watches as Carl stomps away before looking back to everyone.* Thank god I made copies. *pulls out a pile of the same pictures as the first one.*

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Who can forget the Coalition Quartermaster scandal and the 40 million credit megadamage toilet seat?













Well...obviously everybody else on this thread did....

But trust me, it was HILARIOUS when it first broke....


Yeah..dumped a five-star Coalition general down the pipes....

Honestly....

And that's not even mentioning the fact that two whole floors of Chi-Town had to be practically dismantled to get the guy out of the plumbing..

Then somebody got the bright idea of maybe backing the water flow and GENTLY pushing the general back up the pipes...

Except that things got a little of hand...

Remember that?

Man...all those toilets backing up...looked like Chi-Town had broken out in white mushrooms...or geysers...

Then they had to open the lower levels to let the water run out into the 'burbs...

Wasn't that just GRAND?

Some of the reinforcements trying to come back into the city...heard thay got swept out a mile or more by the outflow...

Did they ever find the guy who suggested that idea? Or is he buried somewhere in a safe deposit box-sized drawer in a Black Vault somewhere?

Oh well, I guess you had to be there...

taalismn wrote:Who can forget the Coalition Quartermaster scandal and the 40 million credit megadamage toilet seat?













Well...obviously everybody else on this thread did....

But trust me, it was HILARIOUS when it first broke....


Yeah..dumped a five-star Coalition general down the pipes....

Honestly....

And that's not even mentioning the fact that two whole floors of Chi-Town had to be practically dismantled to get the guy out of the plumbing..

Then somebody got the bright idea of maybe backing the water flow and GENTLY pushing the general back up the pipes...

Except that things got a little of hand...

Remember that?

Man...all those toilets backing up...looked like Chi-Town had broken out in white mushrooms...or geysers...

Then they had to open the lower levels to let the water run out into the 'burbs...

Wasn't that just GRAND?

Some of the reinforcements trying to come back into the city...heard thay got swept out a mile or more by the outflow...

Did they ever find the guy who suggested that idea? Or is he buried somewhere in a safe deposit box-sized drawer in a Black Vault somewhere?

Oh well, I guess you had to be there...

*hides notebook behind back*

You know, I wonder if Kevin's reading this thread. If so, I'd like to know what his reaction is to some of the things on here.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:You know, I wonder if Kevin's reading this thread. If so, I'd like to know what his reaction is to some of the things on here.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

'could care less about his opinion...

Some do.

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:You know, I wonder if Kevin's reading this thread. If so, I'd like to know what his reaction is to some of the things on here.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

I would only hope that the man, in need of a laugh, would crack a smile, accept the occasional good nature d ribbing, and maybe laugh out loud at the text antics of what are effectively his mental grandkids...

(as a group of cyborg ninja toilet-paper the tree in front the PB offices...)

I'm just sayin' Taalismn, it makes me wonder what his reaction is to it??? I know that it'd be a hoot for me to see the man himself post some of his own Rifts bloopers on here.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:I'm just sayin' Taalismn, it makes me wonder what his reaction is to it??? I know that it'd be a hoot for me to see the man himself post some of his own Rifts bloopers on here.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Who knows? He may be doing it already under a pseudonym...He has the Palladium Trickster to call upon after all...

Your right, my friend. But still, I love to see what he'd do with this thread & how much chaos he'd cause.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Right now I'm tempted to be evil right now.... And if your wondering, here's a little tid bit of info, it involves Jeff Foxworthy.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

You know you’re a (rifts) redneck when:
Your pet Rhino-Buffalo thinks it’s a cat.
You use your CS Transport as a lawn ornament.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

...You pick your teeth with your vibroknife...
..You consider the CS too 'liberal' for your tastes...
...You power your Mountaineer with radioactive moonshine..
...You own a rail gun shotgun...
..You use plasma grenades for stump removal...
...Swamp Stompers are too 'inteeleck-chual' for you...

You know your a Rifts Redneck when:

You think Plato is JUST a little, harmless lizard.
You think that maybe, just maybe, Erin Tarn & Prossak would make a cute couple.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

....You have a pair of RhinoBuffalo horns on the hood of your Iron Maiden APC
...You fish at the ol' fishing hole with mini-torpedoes
...You use the hidden compartment in your cyberleg as a spitoon..

You know your a Rifts Redneck when:

You think that Crazies are the most sane people in the Megavers.
You call the drunk 15th level Mega or Titan Juicer sitting next to you in a bar a wimp and then proceed to "show" him and then actually win.
Your a Crazy who thinks he's Jeff Foxworthy reincarnated.
You like to use your Rail Shot Gun to hunt.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

...You're a Moonshine Juicer...
...You've been injured more times by self-inflicted gunshot wounds from your gunrack laser rifle accidentally going off than in actual combat...
...You're annoyed NASCAR doesn't have a Robot Division...
...You have a beercan opener cyberfinger...
...You consider Chipwell an All-American company, and refuse to buy from those 'Canadian guys' and those 'German wussies'...

It’s a sunny, warm, summer day at a beach. The sun is shining down on a mysterious figure looking out at the ocean. As the camera moves closer, the mysterious figure is revealed to be none other than Carl Prosek, wearing a 2 piece swimsuit that has a flower design on it.

Carl: Ahhh, another beautiful day. I feel like singing And doing an interpretive dance.

(A/N: We need more Rifts humor, folks. So bring it all on.)

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Anyone have anymore Rifts Humor to add to this thread??

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

It's time to change your regular Cyberdoc when;

*You find he's installed parts of the wrecked car you saw outside his office in you during your latest repair job...
* He listens to the sounds of 'Stomp' while operating on your internal organs and nervous system
*He installed a "Pez" dispenser in your head without your permission
*He keeps leaving his power tools inside your chest...
*He starts talking up the virtues of the new 'Chipwell Bionics'...
*He begins asking what parts of yours you can do without....
*He introduces you to his nephew; 'Chopper Charlie'..
*He lets his eight year old kid 'assist' him during delicate procedures
*He listens to sports events on your cyber-radio during operations.
*He worships acetylene...

Those, Taalimn, are some good ones. *Chuckles* Some how, in a few of those cases, I can picture it happening.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

As the camera pans across an open area on a pier. The camera stops and focuses on 2 figures standing across from each other to reveal them as Emperor Prosek and Bradford. All of a sudden, a reporter steps in front of the camera and brings a mike up to his mouth.

Reporter: Thank-you for tuning into our show today, faithful Coalition citizens. Today we now have our beloved Emperor and his head scientist from Lone Star here to demonstrate the latest dance craze for you. Let’s watch.

The reporter then steps out of the shot, a second later music starts to play in the background. After 2 seconds of the music playing, Bradford brings out a Salmon and hits Prosek in the face with it in time with the music. After about a minute, just as the music ends Prosek brings out a large Tuna and hits Bradford with it, sending him into the water.

Reporter: *stepping back into the picture* And there you have it, that is called: The Chi-town Fish Dance.

***********
Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:You know your a Rifts Redneck when:
You think that Crazies are the most sane people in the Megavers.
You call the drunk 15th level Mega or Titan Juicer sitting next to you in a bar a wimp and then proceed to "show" him and then actually win.
Your a Crazy who thinks he's Jeff Foxworthy reincarnated.
You like to use your Rail Shot Gun to hunt.

taalismn wrote:...You're a Moonshine Juicer...
...You've been injured more times by self-inflicted gunshot wounds from your gunrack laser rifle accidentally going off than in actual combat...
...You're annoyed NASCAR doesn't have a Robot Division...
...You have a beercan opener cyberfinger...
...You consider Chipwell an All-American company, and refuse to buy from those 'Canadian guys' and those 'German wussies'...

taalismn wrote:....You have a pair of RhinoBuffalo horns on the hood of your Iron Maiden APC
...You fish at the ol' fishing hole with mini-torpedoes
...You use the hidden compartment in your cyberleg as a spitoon..

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:You think Plato is JUST a little, harmless lizard.
You think that maybe, just maybe, Erin Tarn & Prossak would make a cute couple.

taalismn wrote:...You pick your teeth with your vibroknife...
..You consider the CS too 'liberal' for your tastes...
...You power your Mountaineer with radioactive moonshine..
...You own a rail gun shotgun...
..You use plasma grenades for stump removal...
...Swamp Stompers are too 'inteeleck-chual' for you...

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:Your pet Rhino-Buffalo thinks it’s a cat.
You use your CS Transport as a lawn ornament.

...you own three giant robots...but only one of them has a leg.
..the local inn includes "unknown, wierd looking, but tasty" as its most famous dish.
..your home doesn't have running water or indoor plumbing, but it does have a portable nuclear plant to recharge your laser rifles.

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:As the camera pans across an open area on a pier. The camera stops and focuses on 2 figures standing across from each other to reveal them as Emperor Prosek and Bradford. All of a sudden, a reporter steps in front of the camera and brings a mike up to his mouth.

Reporter: Thank-you for tuning into our show today, faithful Coalition citizens. Today we now have our beloved Emperor and his head scientist from Lone Star here to demonstrate the latest dance craze for you. Let’s watch.

The reporter then steps out of the shot, a second later music starts to play in the background. After 2 seconds of the music playing, Bradford brings out a Salmon and hits Prosek in the face with it in time with the music. After about a minute, just as the music ends Prosek brings out a large Tuna and hits Bradford with it, sending him into the water.

Reporter: *stepping back into the picture* And there you have it, that is called: The Chi-town Fish Dance.

***********
Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Monty Python FTW!

The scene shows us a massive land vehicle; a mobile fortress based on the 'Shuttle launch-platform mover' technowizardry enhanced. A pair of heros wait on a hillside about half a mile away. From out an emergecy escape hatch a tiny humanoid figure can be seen running away from the mobile fort as fast as her legs can carry her. Suprisingly no one is shooting at her, and in fact, the guards posted on the upper deck works and outer walkways all run in to the fort for some reason.

Hero GB Pilot; "Took you long enough."

Hero Psionic Cat-girl demon hunter (the one who was running back); -Pant pant pant- "Huuh, ah...um...ha...had some trouble...on...the huuh..way out."

HGBP; "Trouble? I thought you said you could sneak in and take out their engines no sweat?"

Hero Mage; "Exactly...what was the hold up? Did you get seen?"

HPCGDH; "Not...um...Exactly"

HM; "Rika...what did you do?"

HPCGDH; "You know how how the Ironhorse Ley-line express trains use bound creatures to power their enigines?"

HGBP; "No, but..."

HM; "I do. Okay, so they had a fire elemental in the boiler?"

HPCGDH; "No...Balrogg. I Needed a distraction so I let it go. Took care of the engine too"

HGBP; "What was that Rik's?"

HM; "Oh you DID NOT do what I think you did! Did you at least get a binding from it? Please tell me you got a binding non-hostility pact..."

A sound of rocks grinding and primal rage and fury echos forth across the landascape as a 20 ft. section of the mobile-forts outer wall bulges out and explodes in molten steel and fire.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWNNNNKKKKKKKRRRRRRRR!" -BOOM!-

HPCGDH; "Ermmmm...no?"

HGBP & HM:


P.S.; True in-game story from a couple of years back.

You MIGHT be a Redneck Rifter if...

*As a Burster, you ascribe to an all-bean diet...
*You've seriously wondered about the possibility of crossing a dragon and a pitbull for puppies.
*You won't get a full conversion job unless you can get a beer fridge and full stereo system built in...
*Your most prized pre-Rifts artifact is an unopened can of Skoal chewin' tobaccee...
*You've ever duckhunted with a mini-missile launcher
*You've tried installing a nitrous oxide injector on a vehicular nuclear powerplant...
*You've made a serious pass at them good-lookin Shemarrian chicks...and figure their railgun-blasting you was just 'playing hard to get'...
*You've made a serious pass at a Gorgon because 'they ain't any uglier than the girls back home!'...
*You've asked a Crazy if he can loan you any of the sparkplugs he's got on his head....

dualj wrote:A.R.C.H.I.E 3... Intel Inside!

Dude...I'm getting a Del!

taalismn wrote:You MIGHT be a Redneck Rifter if...

*You've made a serious pass at them good-lookin Shemarrian chicks...and figure their railgun-blasting you was just 'playing hard to get'...

Just remember kids, it's all fun & gaymes 'till they decide to format drive A:

Then it's all but over 'cept fer the screamin' on your part

All good ones, my friends. What happened to the Cat-Girl after the incident, DhAkael??

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

You might be a Redneck Rifter....
*If you've tried to become a Beer Warlock
*If you've trained your Sixth Sense to regard visits by your in-laws as 'imminent danger'.
*If your crowning achievement as a technowizard is the Self-Opening Beer Can
*If you know the drinking songs of a dozen other species, including Brodkil, and can recite-belch them perfectly from memory while totally intoxicated
*Your Juicer harness runs on tobacco juice
*You regard the most promising and important pre-Rifts archaeological sites as the Budweiser Brewery and/or the Jack Daniels Distillery
*You can say with authority that Flooper 'tastes just like chicken'...
*You've ever used Clairvoyance to check sports scores
*The Splugorth Biowzard who's enslaved you is just about to toss you in the vat, gets a good look at you, and asks you "That ain't natural, is it?"

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:All good ones, my friends. What happened to the Cat-Girl after the incident, DhAkael??

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Oh, still alive... learned through trial & error what NOT to do when dealing with the infernal

Glad to hear it.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Com'on, Catfgirls have nine lives...and even after that, they have Unlimited LIfe Credit....

You know your a Rifts Redneck when....

Your HoverJeep runs on Moonshine.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

You suddenlly see a cyber-farm complete with cyber-animals & a cyber-farmer with his cyber-daughters who have p.b. 250!

"You'll get my Boomgun when you pry my cold, dead, hands from it!"