Super-Absurd Martial Arts Ideas...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed May 16, 2007 10:26 pm

That's Martial Arts Landscaping again....Zen Garden Specialization....

Martial Arts Beach Volleyball.....standard uniform is swimtrunks or a sport bikini....practitioners are expert at fighting on soft surfaces(sand) but mentally tend to operate within a 'court'....excellent leaping skills and strong parrying abilities, especially of thrown weapons, with the ability not simply to deflect an attack, but to return it(and ideally to 'spike' it) back on an opponent.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu May 17, 2007 4:18 pm

Makes concealing weapons a real art...

What tyrant is going to see in advance his skyclad 'entertainment' suddenly pull an arsenal out of nowhere? I mean, more than the two or three seconds it takes for that thrown explosive shuriken to cross the dance floor/sports court and imbed itself between his eyes?

Hammerspace, anyone?

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri May 18, 2007 4:31 pm

Yep...he's not going to notice the shuriken until it's too late... :rolleyes:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat May 19, 2007 9:28 pm

Billards Martial Arts---Sure, Southeast Asian polesharks know all the stick-based martial arts, and the West has its share of street brawlers with adaptations of jujitsu, but BMA teaches you not only how to wield a mean cuestick, but how to clean the table with the meanest aim since Minnesota Fats. Other martial artists and athletes may train to dominate the sporting ring, but your court is the table....you own whoever challenges you on it...and if they try to muscle you off the table, you'll prove you own them in the pool hall too, regardless of how many wiseguys they send your way....Rack'em up and shoot'em into the corner pockets, you're a shootist with your stick and not to mention what you got for balls.....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun May 20, 2007 11:14 pm

Billiards? Or stick-fighting?

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue May 22, 2007 11:22 pm

Martial Arts Streetsweeping...another staff-oriented martial arts, with an emphasis on broad-head brooms and trash-spikes. Since more than a few city sweepers are ex-cons or 'outstanding citizens' doing community service, Martial Arts Streetsweeping offers more prison-style brawling skills and social contacts with upper-crust society. It also provides excellent cover positions and access to lots of stuff normally thrown away(though practitioners of Municipal Martial Arts Garbage Collection claim the Streetsweepers are pale imitations of their own school, and resent the 'wannabees' horning in on their turf....skirmishes between union-schools are fairly common but virtually invisible to the public eye, since both sides know how to clean up their fight scenes, dispose of evidence, and remove inconvenient bodies quickly).

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed May 23, 2007 4:41 pm

Beverly Hills Boutique Hand to hand---Where the vapid meets the rapid, and price-prestige is everything....Training includes high-fashion sense and attention to grooming and deal-spotting. While style may be everything, quick, unobstrusive hand, heel, and elbow strikes that leave no bruising are just as important for getting that handbag on sale, dealing with a romantic rival, or disposing of a paparazzi...Fighting in high-heels and sunglasses, kicking the snot of pushy autograph seekers without creasing the pants, garroting with dog-leashes, or taking down an obnoxious celeb's hired way-clearers in a right-of-way dispute are the main points of this highly specicialized martial art form. Also known to have schools in Aspen, Monico, Monte Carlo, Venice, Paris, and Naples.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu May 24, 2007 7:30 pm

MrsNordy wrote:Sleep-fu. You can't make a kidney shot to save your soul while awake, but while asleep you have deadly accuracy. Also includes the art of pillow-bashing and blanket stealing.

This would seem to make narcoleptics one of the most dangerous people in the game.

I believe that 'Mystic China' has chi-immortals who sleep to eternal life(sort of like the Ecto-Travellers from Rifts: MIndwerks, they experience the world via a 'virtual body')...this would be perfect for them...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri May 25, 2007 6:08 pm

Ah! Thousand Thousand Piercing Loose Featherbed Down Storm! Have at ye!

HAH! I counter with my Restful Repose Sleep Goggle Blind Fighting Technique! You cannot take away my sight for I rely NOT on it!

ARGH! You foolish men! None may resist my Nighty-Nite Sheer Silk Pajama Flash!

(Dropping feather storm) Sheer Silk?
(Taking off googles) NIghty? Flash?

FIST OF SOMNOLENCE SKULL TAP!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun May 27, 2007 2:01 pm

Darkmax wrote:The Legendary Art of Role Playing!

Here's one... the Punch of Insomnia..... the victim will not be able to sleep for the next 12 months....

That's the Wedgie of Wakefulness...part of an entirely different martial arts school that's so insidious few Eastern masters dare even mention its name....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon May 28, 2007 10:56 pm

As for Martial Arts RPGing...that is one of the most cerebral of all the martial arts forms.....since the main struggle is in actually convincing YOURSELF that you have both the strength and the speed to carry through on all the attacks and actions...then convince yourself that ypu are NOT subsequently getting the snot beaten out of you by the streetpunk you just ran into...("HAH! I rolled a natural 20 on my Dodge dice! There's NO WAY that snapping sound could be my forearm breaking, since I skipped clean around your swung pipe!")

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue May 29, 2007 11:16 pm

"I do not have a concussion, I do not have a concussion...sardines...I do not have a concussion...I have made my save versus death..."
"Nurse! He's fading out again! Charge the paddles!"
"Shouldn't we get his leg out of his esophagus first, doctor? What if he convulsively bites through his own achilles' tendon?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed May 30, 2007 10:22 pm

Martial Arts Chiropracty----The Art of Tying Other People into Knots...

"My god...my limbs are bent around my back and up over my head and twisted so I can't move a millimeter but that persistant pain in my neck? It's gone! I can't feel a thing!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu May 31, 2007 5:15 pm

"I can't move a muscle below my neck, but I have to say, I've never slept better in my life!"

"That popping and growing rumbling noise you heard when I last ran past you was your Bladder Control Pressure Points activating...or DEactivating, I should say...Rather wish you hadn't had that last beer now, donja'cha?"

Roscoe Del'Tane · Sun Jun 03, 2007 1:04 am

Lawyer-Fu! :lol:

"My Habeus Corpus Defense defeats your DNA Attack!"
"Hah! But my Ballistics-Form punches through; and my Legal Mumbo-Jumbo makes the Judge more succeptible to my client!"

Svartalf · Unread post by **Svartalf** » Sun Jun 03, 2007 5:44 pm

Ninjabunny wrote:Here's one for ya palladuim-fu! Thous who train in the ways of Palladuim-Fu are able to weild Paper, Pencils, Dice, and any Palladium based book as a weapon.

The Izards School of RPG fighting will teach ya that hardcovers are much better weapons... and I have scores of them

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Jun 03, 2007 10:08 pm

Forgotten Retro-Styles:

Martial Arts Pogo-Stick Style---Combines the skills of staff-fighting with the high-jumping, kick-fighting moves of many aerial forms.....students are taught the fine art of crafting their own pogo-stick...

Hoola-Hoop Hip-Fighting----No other art teaches such extreme hip-gyrating moves as this blast from the past! Slim down and clear a zone of death around you simultaneously with this periodically revived martial arts form....

Martial Arts Jazzersize!----Wonder why people don't physically pick on Richard Simmons? Because he can kick their butts, that's why! Now heartless, fearless ninjas run in terror at the sight of baggy sleevess tees and bared chest hairs, after seeing this gut-wrenching, neck-snapping, back-cracking martial arts aerobic workout cut a swath through their ranks! Accept no substitutes! If your instructor isn't hideous enough to have you concentrating on working yourself into an exhausted half-dead stupor(rather than be distracted watching her tight butt in spandex) you're being misled by a false school! No other non-mystical martial arts style improves its practitioners through suffering on so many levels as Martial Arts Jazzersize!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:29 pm

Orthodontica Bellicosa---Martial Arts Dentistry----A martial art that is professionally respected and personally feared, as it is able to both heal and hurt(often simultaneously)...This art teaches the use of small, sharp, handheld instruments and weapons in attacks, primarily directed at the opponent's mouth.... It also teaches the use of paralysis and muscle release points, as well as a few martial arts powers unique to the school, such as being able to jam one's entire hand into an opponent's mouth, and the High-Speed Hand Drill attack/technique...Practitioners also learn the arts of porcelein craftsmanship, metallurgy/jewelry manufacture(specifically caps and crowns) as part of training. Provides both an excellent cover as well as a lucractive income to the martial artist. Its reputation has people both running to, and fleeing from, the practitioner...as evidenced by the decimation of the Bloody Gums ninja clan by two Orthodontica Bellicosa adepts.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:29 pm

Orthodontica Bellicosa---Martial Arts Dentistry----A martial art that is professionally respected and personally feared, as it is able to both heal and hurt(often simultaneously)...This art teaches the use of small, sharp, handheld instruments and weapons in attacks, primarily directed at the opponent's mouth.... It also teaches the use of paralysis and muscle release points, as well as a few martial arts powers unique to the school, such as being able to jam one's entire hand into an opponent's mouth, and the High-Speed Hand Drill attack/technique...Practitioners also learn the arts of porcelein craftsmanship, metallurgy/jewelry manufacture(specifically caps and crowns) as part of training. Provides both an excellent cover as well as a lucractive income to the martial artist. Its reputation has people both running to, and fleeing from, the practitioner...as evidenced by the decimation of the Bloody Gums ninja clan by two Orthodontica Bellicosa adepts.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 06, 2007 9:45 pm

Tickle-Fu----The Laughing Art
While most esoteric martial arts forms teach practitioners how to inflict painful, incapacitating blows to vital points, adherents of the school of Tickle-Fu learn how to leave their opponents paralyzed with mirth....Arguably, the line between pleasure and pain is sometimes a thin one, so often the moves used to inflict a tickle attack look similar to those for inflicting pain, but with a slight twist. What would normally leave an enemy gasping in agony, will instead leave them guffawing in pleasure.
Considered a ‘soft’ martial arts style, Tickle-Fu practitioners typically attack with their hands and fingers(if they must attack with their feet, they will do so barefoot, so as to be able to use their toes), parrying attacks with one hand while darting forward to deliver quick-fingered tickles. Holds are also used to trap an opponent while the Tickle-Fu’er proceeds to incapacitate them with quick strikes to their funny bone and other nerve plexi. The basic moves distract the opponent with tingling and ticklish senstations, while the more advanced attacks (vital points) can leave them paralyzed and laughing hysterically. Favored weapons are feathers, feather dusters, soft brushes, and plush toys.
Unusual among martial artists, Tickle-Fu masters focus on having fun and giving equal amounts of pleasure during combat....They tend to be compassionate towards their opponents; the line ‘and was it good for you?” might well sum up their philosophy. This in itself can drive more selfish or serious-minded opponents nuts during combat; they may not feel the Tickle-Fu fighter takes them seriously, or is serious about martial arts.

Why Study Tickle-Fu?
Because it’s low-key and unexpected! While wholly ineffectual against multiple attackers, it does allow one to utterly devastate and incapacitate an individual opponent without doing lasting damage. It’s also versatile...as a means of interrogation, it leaves no permanent damage, while demolishing mental defenses...and its knowledge of errogenous zones makes it popular after-hours. Practitioners of Tickle-Fu make good livings as interrogators and professional masseuses(often simultaneously). Tickle Fu is also good clean fun when you can leave a ninja assassin helpless in a giggling fit.

Phoenix Feather Tickle Rod---This legendary Tickle-Fu instrument of torture is said to be made from a phoenix feather(well, duh!)with a silver handle. The feather itself is exceptionally fine, about two feet long, glowing a soft silver or gold-white, and is warm to the touch. Used in conjunction with Tickle-Fu, the Phoenix Feather can drop a martial artist chortling, or break a defiant captive’s will to resist in peals of laughter.

*Tikee-Tee-Hee---The Tickle-Fu equivalent of Dim-Mak, this attack leaves the victim permanently sensitized to tickle sensations...That means that any subsequent physical blow, or even casual contact, will have the victim feeling ticklish all over again, and easily distracted by the sensations generated....Like Dim Mak, Tikee-Tee-Hee works progressively, wearing away the victim’s mental endurance until even putting on clothes is enough to send them rolling in laughter , making this one of the more insidious attacks available to the Tickle-Fu master.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:57 pm

Martial Arts Waitressing---Next time you decide to spread the joy of your awful day by taking it on the poor service schmuck, stiff the bill, or fail to tip the help who knocked themselves out feeding your fat gut...remember; the customer is not ALWAYS right...and Practitioners of Martial Arts Waitressing are lying in wait out there somewhere to remind you of that...This covert martial art teaches the use of dining room implements as weapons of lethal destruction, from hurled silverware to the shield-qualities of plate-trays. SladBar Invisbility to allows the consummate kitchen-ninja to hide in a container of egg salad, and to use salad tongs with a profficiency envied by sai-users. Other techniques include advanced mixology(airborne bartending) and counter-top combat practice('Coyote Ugly' has nothing on Waitress martial artists). THis martial art skill is excellent training in the many opportunities for its practitioners to find venues to practice in, as well as steady, if low-paying, employment...It looks kinda silly outside a restuarant, and usually there's aroom full of witnesses to Waitress Martial Artist bouts, so unless you're cleared with the owner, or own the place already, using this school to deck a diner may result in early termination of your job(and maybe the local Yakuza out after you for trashing their sushi-hour)...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 14, 2007 2:15 pm

Martial Arts Golf....the art of hooking a chi-enhanced shot through a forest, in a hurricane headwind, in pitch darkness, off the head of a concealed ninja, and to a hole in one....Also teaches sleight-of-hand ball substitution, hiding in sandtraps, concealed weapons techniques(golf bags are excellent for this), offensive golfcart operation, and meditation techniques to allow you to make a perfect shot and not wrap your club around the neck of the wretch with the loud cellphone standing behind you...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Jul 02, 2007 11:49 pm

Probiec-An alien martial art developed by weedy, big-headed, gray aliens to incapacitate and humiliate much more robust species while evaluating them for xenology studies...Probiec focuses mainly on rubber-limbed dodging and evading, while jabbing with a long medical probe at pressure-paralysis points and bodily orifices...Usually the latter is enough to stun an opponent with dismay and shock, but occasionally the technique has backfired, resulting in the Probiec practitioner being disarmed and shish-kabobed with his own long-rod medical-scanner.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jul 28, 2007 10:37 pm

Scots Highlander Ninjitsu Martial Arts---Forget the claymore, this martial arts form shows you how to make the most offensive use of a kilt, the secret art of communicating to your colleagues in a Scottish burr so thick as to defy linguistic interpretation, the proper art of carving a skull-crushing knobkerry, the fine art of Invisibility among sheep, the various combat applications of the bagpipe(from zenorike-style sonic shrilling of terror to ninja-like shotgun-blowdarting), as well as the many ways a haggis can be used to utterly destroy an enemy...So whether you're teaching those uppity English a lesson about Scots pride, or demonstrating to overseas martial artists that men in skirts are better any day of the week than people in black pajamas, SHNMA delivers.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Aug 25, 2007 9:45 pm

Gravitus Everlast wrote:Diplomacy... the art of letting other people have YOUR way

I suggest you read Keith Laumer's 'Retief' series....he was a master of this, especially the twisted arm, grabbed eyestalk, and brutally pummeled alien thug techniques...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Aug 30, 2007 8:12 pm

Gravitus Everlast wrote:But when I say deplomacy I mean using psycology and suggestive selling techniques so they never even have to know they've just been in a fight. True its a battle of wits, but they still don't know I'm holding a thermite-napalm plasma grenade in my lappel... and they don't need to either.

Sounds more like an MA Technique....Decoy Talk---The art of so wowing and dazzling your target with witty banter, smooth talking, and scintillating conversation, they don't ever realize you've just picked their pockets and taken their car keys....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:24 pm

Or would it be something similar to Kaijutsu----Instead of scaring people in their tracks, a variant would bore them to sleep...'Martial Arts Bore Technique'; how to reduce a room full of people to drooling semi-sentient attention-zombies...."Now remember, don't listen to what Soporiztu is saying! Keep your ear-muffs on tight and watch the people in the room! When their eyelids are at half-mast, I'll give the signal for Soporiztu to stop and you to hit the bodyguards!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Sep 02, 2007 9:24 pm

Gravitus Everlast wrote:That's funny, but any good salesman should have his mark's undevided attention at all times. If they look away for even a second, they pipe up, "HEY! Have you seen our new line of fresh ship smell spray in deoderizer?!" Either way, you could with the right salesman working the grift, you could tie someone's shoelaces to a speeding car and they'd never know till it was too late...

I always thought the Ludicrous Mage in its original assassin format should have access to Martial Arts forms like that...such as Drunken Style, or truly bizarre and insane styles....

Or else there should be skill-package programs for physical comedy and stage magic for making trickster-ninja....

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 11:14 am

Gravitus Everlast wrote:I wanted to make a drunken arts version of Buster Keaton... it would be fun I think. Or better yet, make two and have one based on Charlie Chaplin as well!

Probably could with the cover of being a Hong Kong movie actor...only YOUR hits actually do damage...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Sep 05, 2007 5:23 pm

Gravitus Everlast wrote:If I CHOOSE to... Laughter is a great way to make an enemy not realize they are an enemy...

...Until you've demolished them...then the laughter is genuine on your part...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Sep 06, 2007 6:15 pm

Gravitus Everlast wrote:I was more implying that if I feign all my hits up to a point, my enemy will not take me seriously and look at me like I'm no threat, then when they let their guard down, BLAM! Or, you can just make them laugh so hard that they pee themselves... that's always fun...

Or fail to notice the building you've just kicked over unto them tumbling down on top of them....

Hey, if you're going to do comic amounts of collateral damage, make it serve a purpose...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 10:15 am

"Ah, my Phoenix Eye of Trajectory shows me you are an incompetent buffoon who cannot even come close to hitting me! I dode all your useless Buold-Fist moves like the superior master I am!"
"I wasn't aiming for you..I knew you could dodge me, but can you dodge that parking garage?"
"What parking gara-- oh-"***RRRUMMMBBBLLLLEEEEEEEE***
"Pfeh...another fool meets his just destiny courtesy of the Vertical Parking Level Pancake Crush!"

Roscoe Del'Tane · Mon Dec 03, 2007 1:59 pm

Cowboy Wrasslin'!

Using this MA, the character does the unexpected, not useing a lariet, or any of the other cowboy stereotypes. Instead, he will throw agitated livestock at his opponent!

"Give up Pajama Boy?"
"GRRRmmph!"
"I'll Take that as a no..." MOOOOOO!

Roscoe Del'Tane · Mon Dec 03, 2007 11:29 pm

Gravitus Everlast wrote:How about "Slapstick" fight like the three stooges and get everyone into the fray with some random food fighting and sight gags!

And the ultimate attack, 'the wiseguy' eye poke! Deal pain and temporary blindness to boot!