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The Emporer, in full-blown multi-colored spiked Punk Rooster mode...
Prosek:(looking at boggling Chiefs of Staff) "...what?...."

Now we just have to change Emperor Prosek's deodorant to something more enjoyable.......... What about "Lady's Speedstick!"

...which unfortunately attracts Xiticix scouts from fifty miles away...

Brodkil: (Ripping off the head of a CS soldier and scarfing down the body, then reaching for another futily firing CS Deadboy)
"CS-tos! You can't eat just one!"

LOL Very funny! Please keep these coming!

PhelanMahoney wrote:I no longer feel bad about some of the ideas I have for my Rifter article on PA.

What...PAs with the 'trapdoor rear' on them?

That is a scarry thing! Trapdoor PAs could be very bad! And I want to be in the front row in a world where those exist!

Better than the 'catheter relief system'.....

Inside a CS research facility after viewing a Pre-Rifts vid disk (DVD)...Cloverfield:

CS scientist 1: "Wow...they had no idea how close they were on this one huh?"

CS scientist 2: *checks the date on the DVD case* "Yeah, 90 years early too..."

I think we're plumbing the depth where no man should go Taalismn!

Do the humans have to bring some A1 steak sauce with them?

I'm sure it'll be tenderized nicely when it arrives!

Artifact hunter in ruins of Tolkeen. Scene of room deep in the library building; a single beam of sunlight filters through a hole in the ceiling onto 3 identical tomes. Ecah book looks like a human face has been streatched over the cover and then dried.

AH: "THREE BOOKS?! No one said anything about three book! Am I supposed to take one or all of them...or what?"

Book #3; "...or what..."

Little Red Riding Hood's packing a heavy ion pistol in that basket of hers, post-Rifts...

She's got Hand to Hand Assassin, too, and that red riding hood's T-40 Plain Clothes armor worn over Crusader mesh-and-plate...

I don't even what to go into what the Three Little Pigs are carrying these days...

(*Anybody ever remember the after-school special 'Inside Little Red's Head' which has a tour of the nervous system? Just as the adrenal system triggers, and LRRH THROWS the BBW?)

Those the three little pigs are in trouble because the big bad wolf is equiped witha Silver Wolf Glitter Boy!

Yeah! Always glad to see those little pig roasting over an open fire. I always wanted the wolf to win as a kid.

How did the piggies make a recent one special? Just curious....

LOL I supposed pigs would make good guards sionce they like geese will keep their owners aware of new things in the area.

LOL! We'll have to make sure we send you plenty of BBQ sauce out in those wild of Pennsylvania!

Outside of Xiticix territory, a lone man, dressed in white cover-alls, gas-mask and large tank with sprayer attachement strapped to his back. On the front of the mans' cover-all is printed in large red letters 'Orkin Exterminators'

Orkin Man; "Gonna need to put a little overtime on this one..."

PhelanMahoney wrote:Somehow I don't think RAID is gonna cut it either.

Actually had a power armor based on the old 'Orkin Man' ads...I'd post it, if I didn't think it counted as conversion, since some of the systems on it were pretty nifty(acid-resistant armor and sonic bug disorientors, for instance)...

Was the PA a Paladin Steel product? I bet it was.

Scene: A Stage of some sort with music playing in the background. All of a sudden, the curtains pull away to reveal four people dressed up as "Line-Dancing Girls" (like the ones in the old movies) who are lit from behind. A second later, a spot light shines down onto the stage revealing who the four people are: Erin Tarn, Prosek, Victor Lazlo, and the almalgamated Four Horsemen. A second later, they start to line dance to the music.

After a few minutes later, Bradford comes out on stage and looks out at the crowd.

Bradford: *Grinning* Zing.
**************

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Rathorc Lemenger wrote:Scene: A Stage of some sort with music playing in the background. All of a sudden, the curtains pull away to reveal four people dressed up as "Line-Dancing Girls" (like the ones in the old movies) who are lit from behind. A second later, a spot light shines down onto the stage revealing who the four people are: Erin Tarn, Prosek, Victor Lazlo, and the almalgamated Four Horsemen. A second later, they start to line dance to the music.

After a few minutes later, Bradford comes out on stage and looks out at the crowd.

Bradford: *Grinning* Zing.

(In Audience)
Splyncryth: "GAH!!!! My eye!!! Someone pass me the bleach so I can wash this image out of my retina! I've seen some bad stuff in my time but seriously...BOOO!"

Splicers in audience decide to throw cabbage and tomatoes* at the stage, booing all the time...

(*which of course have the following properties: armor piercing, megadamage explosive...5d6 MD or more...continuous attack damage of 1d6 per melee for 1d4 melees)

Splicers in audience decide to throw cabbage and tomatoes* at the stage, booing all the time...

(*which of course have the following properties: armor piercing, megadamage explosive...5d6 MD or more...continuous attack damage of 1d6 per melee for 1d4 melees)

Signage in Splynn parklands: "Please Keep All Humans on Leashes...Curb Your Hairless Ape...Penalties for Littering Apply"

ROFLMAO!!!! Those are great! Please keep them coming!

Scene of interior of bar in Kingsdale.

Thug #1: "Hey get load of the pretty-boy over there in the corner!"

Thug #2: "The one with the long hair in the trench coat and bondage harness?"

Thug #1: "Yeah, him... betcha he's rolling in creds."

Thug #3 (the somewhat smart one): "Guys? Maybe not such a good idea to start a brawl with that dude. Check out the size of his sword."

Thug #1: "He's over compensating and wouldn't be able to use it fast enough to take us all on... lets go over and "talk" to him about our protection policy."

A few standard bar-room thug petty threats later, met with silent disdain...

Thug #1: "Hey! I'm talking to you girly boy! Pay up or you'll be riding that over sized tooth pick of yours the painful way outa here."

Silver Haired Man(looking up at cieling); -sigh- "...all I wanted was a single drink. Is that too much to ask Shiva?" *Picks up sword and stands up...met by singgering from the two dumber thugs*

Thug #3; "Hey guys...do you hear music? Like a chior and symphony?!"

Silver Haired Man; "Mother says I should kill you all... but if I kill you, you won't learn anything, will you?" *Eyes flare pale green and cats-eye slitted pupils*

Later...after the fire depratment and EMT's are finished sifting through the wreckage

Police to blonde haired male on very large motorcycle.

Police Officer; "So you say you've been tracking this..Seth? Seff?... individual through how many dimensions? Can you tell us..."

Fade out

LOL That was a great one DhAkael! Please keep them coming!

Splynncryth: "Oh, look...a present...from Emperor Prosek! Wonder what he's up to these days?...mmm...heavy...very heavy...OH $%^&%^!!!"

High LOrd: Rushing in) "What is it, Your Malevalence?! A boobytrap?! WE'll dispose of it immediately!"

Splynncryth: "Naw, it's not that bad...Karl just sent me the Fruitcake again."

High Lord: "...again? What shall we do, sir?"

Splynncryth: "Same thing as we do every year...set it aside, and when Christmas comes around, wrap it up, and send it back...it's the gift that keeps on giving."

PhelanMahoney wrote:With a pretty and busty brunette riding behind, or did he leave her behind pregnant?

They aint sayin', so I just assumed she was left behind to take care of Marlene

LOL ... thats is a good description ... HEHEHEHEE ....

*not to self ... * 'NO more comments about 'girly men' when inside a building with lots of flameable liquids ....

ROFLMAO!!! Excellent ones! Welcome back Shiiv-A! Please keep them coming!

A Bat-like figure with cutting edge equipment has been terrorizing street criminals around the area of LOne Star...CS military intelligence investigates...
Doctor Desmond Bradford: "Hey, what are you looking at ME for? And, NO, I'm NOT going to sllow you to go poking around in my basement 'just to make sure'!!!"

A pale skinned, bald headed, iron thewed and red tattoed man overlooks Chi-Town. Attached to his arms by heavy iron chains are two serrated axe-bladed "swords". A maniacal grin spreads across his face.

PSBHRT: "Joyous day! I have heard many good things about these 'Coalition', and their unknowing worship of me, the new god of war! I think I will introduce my self to their emporer and receive my just tribute!"

Psionic seers and mystics across North-America wince simultaeneously for no appearent reason, and are filled with sense of impending doom.

Sign on Wolfen's house lawn: "Beware of Property Owner."


OR

"If You Think You Can Make It Across The Meadow in Five, Don't Bother: The Thunder Beetle Can Make It In One."

Sign outside exit of western district of lazlo (billboard sized);

'Beware of the following:
-CS patrols (skull and cross-lightning)
-Fury beetles (many eyed potatoe bug pic)
-Random rifts (stick person falling through vertical hole)
- spam (rectangular shaped box with offending product printed on side)'

Door to Emperor Prosseks personal chambers;

-Knock Knock-

K.P.; "Who's there..."

Voice; "Candy Gram..."

-First (failed) attempt by Federation of Magic in the tactical deployment of the self-aware bipedal landshark chimera

The Evil City of Brass...The Musical!

ROFLMAO!!! Those were all great! Please keep them coming even though I'm dying of laughter!!!

Dunscon, after looking over the 'Necromantic All-Dead Mime Review'; "Not quite what I had in mind for spreading terror, but it will have to do..."

Scene: During the battle against the 4 horsemen in Africa.

Death: *looking at War, Famine and Pestilence* Let us show these mortal the TRUE meaning of terror and dispare. Let us show them our TRUE forms.

War: *nodding his head in agreement as the other 2 do the same* Yes. Let us show them.

Just as War is finished saying this, there's a bright flash of blue light which blinds everyone in the immediate area. After a few seconds, as the effects of the light are fadding, the nearest heroes look on in stunned horror as the true forms of the 4 Horsemen are revealed.

The true forms are none other then the most evil of evils. So eveil in fact that they're EBIL. They are: The Teletubbies.

Death: Lala.
War: Dipsy.
Famine: Po.
Pestilence: Tinky-Winky.
All 4: We Join together to form the ultimate evil.

All of a sudden there's another bright blue flash of light, which upon fading reveals, Barney The Big, Purple Dinosaur.

Barney: I love You. You love Me. We're a big....

Erin Tarn: Oh GODS. The HOOROR of it all. We must destroy these Unholy abominations at once.

**************
Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

You dDon't KNow What TRUE Evil is Until You've Met HER....

Lord of the Deep: "My wife will NEVER find me here at the bottom of this godforsaken hole in the depths of this backwater little world in this armpit of a universe...Ahhh....peace at last!!..."

ROFLMAO!!! Excellent new bloopers!

PhelanMahoney wrote:OK, I am about to show just how sick, twisted and demented I am with this one but here we go:

A Wolfen Mindmelter or Technowizard finds himself in the CS. He has these weird floating speakers/audio players that orbit him near constantly. As he fights his way out of CS territory he sings and his performances actually get him human fans. Imagine a Wolfen singing, in near perfect American, such songs like Metallica's "Of Wolf and Man", Morrison's "Moon Dance" Cat Stevens's "Moonshadow", Kool and the Gang's "Misled", Elvis's "Don't Be Cruel" and the Beatles' "Band on the Run" among other songs with female human groupies following him around tossing their underwear at him and one particularly dedicated fan who basically looks like Gen13's Fairchild in black leather boots, panties and corset with a red hooded cloak and carries a sign that reads: "Hey, Big Bad Wolf! Need a Little Red Riding Hood?"

Simon of 'American Idol' steps out from behind a tree: "I am Sir Simon the Dreamslayer, unjustly exiled from my homeland of England for trying to save the King from an untalented hack who turned out to be...well, I won't go into that right now...but (points his sword at the Wolfen) I clearly have a duty to do here! That was the most atrocious exercise in music, nay, it was an execution of music, I have ever heard! I've heard diesel engines with better throat! I've never heard such an unpracticed clangor since a dragon got loose in the city ironworks! I haven't heard such painful BELLOWING since I saw a Formorian accidentally devour a live fragmentation grenade! I..."

PhelanMahoney wrote:Wolfen looks disdainfully at Simon and disembowels on the spot with a psi-sword singing Queen's "Flash"

And gets shoot from behind by Paula Abdul the Nega-Psychic...

Com'on...Critics...they travel in packs...

Scene: In a mysterious, darkened room of the Lone Star Complex. After a minute of being in darkness, a spotlight turns on, revealing Bradford looking towards 5 large tubes of liquid in which there are 4 small, shadowed bodies floating in 4 of the tubes and a large, shadowed body floating in the last one.

Bradford: Finally, after many years, I have created the most deveastating army ever seen.... Arise my creations.

Just as he says this, the water spills out of all 5 of the tubes. 1 minute after the last of the liquid empties, the chambers open to reveal..... The most evil and destructive creatures known to sentients everywhere: The Teletubies and Barney.

Meanwhile, in Atlantis, Splyncryth shivers with dread.

Splyncryth: Somewhere, somehow someone has just doomed us all.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Scene: In an open field, all is peaceful and quite, birds chirping, breeze blowing through the tall grass and the leyline pulsing softly. All of a sudden, a Rift opens up in the leyline and out steps 4 people wearing blue armor in various shades.

Blue 1: So this is what's on the other side of the teleporter. *turns to a second blue armored person* I guess you were right for a change Tucker.

Tucker: *looks at B1* I told you, church, didn't I?? But you didn't believe me. Besides, you have to admit it's quite without the Reds.

Church: *looks around* your right.

Blue 2: *looking up* the sky is sooo blue.... and pretty.

Church: *Looks at B2* you keep looking up at that sky, Caboose. Maybe you'll see something interesting *chuckles*.

B3: *female voice* Church, stop being mean to Caboose, otherwise I'll kill you again and make you wish you weren't a ghost.

Church: *shrugs* whatever, Tex. Maybe I'll be able to get away from you.

Tucker: *looks at Tex* maybe you'd like a real man, Tex. Bow chicka bow wow.

Tex: Shut up Tucker.

Just as she's saying this a second Rift opens up and out comes a group of people wearing the same armor, but in red.

R1: Hello Blues. *chuckles* We've come to give you a little gift *lifts a gun and points it at the blues*.

R2: Um Sarge???

Sarge: *Turns to R2* what now, Simmons.

Simmons: *looking around* Where are we???

After a few minutes of looking around, with Caboose still looking at the sky, they finally understand that they're not back in Sulpher Gulch.

Church: Hey, Caboose. Keep a look out for anything wierd, would you???

Caboose: *turns and looks at Church* Okey churh... I will keep a look out for anything wierd. *stands there watching something behind Church*

Church: *Looks at Caboose as Caboose is looking past Church's shoulder* There's something behind me, isn't there??

Caboose: Yes. It's big, scaly, with wings and sharp claws.

After a second, both the Reds and the rest of the Blues turn to see a Great Horned Dragon standing there glaring down at them.

Chruch: *looking up at the Dragon* Oh, Sh*t.

Sarge: It's been nice knowing you, Simmons.

Simmons: It's good to have known you too Sarge.

Grif: What about me, Sarge???

Sarge: Shut up, Grif.... *starts to back away, all the while gesturing behind Grif for both the rest of the Red's and Blues to follow him*.

A second later, they 2 groups, except for Griff, turn and high tail it back through the two Rifts.

Griff: *Turns to find everyone else gone* Son of a ... *dives into a rapidly disappearing Rift*

*****************************
Authors Note: The characters are from the Series: Red Versus Blue.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.

Scene 1: In one of the many chambers of the Prosek compound. As the camera starts to pan around the room, it finally settles on 2 figures sitting on a couch. The 2 figures are none other then Joseph & Carl Prosek. After a second of watching them, we notice that there's something deffinantly wrong because both of them are wearing T-shirts with Heavy Metal Band names on them and Blue Jeans, all the while both are watching music videos and chuckling.

Carl: heh heh heh... They said *****...

Joaeph: Yeah, heh heh heh, *****..

Scene 2: In another room, there's another t.v. monitor on with music playing. After a minute, an announcer comes on.

Announcer: Today, on MXRC: Most eXtreme Rifts ellemination Challenge, we have the Coalition versus the Federation. The haves vs. the have-nots. With our favorite Anouncers, Plato (in place of Kenny Blakenship), Victor Lazlo (in place of Vic Ramano), Lord Coake (in place of Camtain Tameal) and everyones favorite Exploreress, Erin Tarn (in place of Guy LaDouche). This is the greatest show to hit the Megaverse.

**********************************
Authors Note: I'd have to say that these are 2 of my better ones.

Signed,
Rathorc Lemenger.