Living on the edge can suck . . .

[Kevin]

Living on the edge can suck the life right out of you.

Especially when you’ve been living that way for a few years now. It grinds you down and chews you up.

Yeah, its one of those days again. Where you feel unfocused, tired and unmotivated. No matter how hard you work, you feel like you just can’t catch a break or get ahead. You feel like you’re standing in quicksand and your legs and arms are too weak to pull yourself out. I have a stomach bug (something I ate maybe?) making me feel even more drained and tired than I should.

Today’s just been one of those days where nothing seems to be going right. After two days of spectacular sales, the weekend online sales were lousy. That’s just the way it is sometimes, up and down. But it worries me. Living in Michigan, where the economy is in the toilet, and other friends are struggling or going out of business, and economic carnage is everywhere, I’m painfully aware of the mortality of a company, even a long running one like Palladium.

A bunch of little – nothing – problems are stuck in my craw too. First thing this morning, a printer at home got jammed. Bad. Took half an hour to unjam. Second, when I go to sit back in the chair, it slid away and I fell on my behind. Since then, my buttock and lower back have ached. Nothing terrible, just enough to remind me of the embarassing and annoying incident. Then, I find I had stepped in a pile of doggy-doo on Saturday. I didn’t wear those shoes Sunday, so it’s dried, caked in and snug in the groves of the heel. It takes half an hour to dig the crap out of my heel! Then, I spend half the day tearing my office apart looking for a couple of documents that should be there, but have disappeared. Stuff I can recreate. Stuff I have probably spent longer looking for than it would have taken me to recreate (and I still haven’t found them; must be misfiled). That stomach bug has had me in and out of the bathroom all day too, causing me to lose more time. And that’s a big part of the problem, time.

Time and money. I’m feeling the pressure as I juggle a dozen things sucking time out of me. I can feel the Hades deadline slipping out of my hands. If it’s late, that means Dyval, Dimensional Breakout and Heroes of the Megaverse will also be late. If I fall behind schedule, again, fans will be angry and disappointed. Worse, Palladium’s cash flow will be a mess. There goes my stomach again. This time, I know it’s nerves... worry ... frustration.

The only way I might manage to catch up at some point is by working insane hours and sleeping at the office half of the days for 2-3 weeks in a row. The very idea makes my head and stomach hurt (or is it that darn bug again). I cannot tell you how sick and tired I am of 12-18 hour days, six days a week, or of sleeping overnight at the office. I want to have a life. I want to stop worrying. I want to know Palladium will make it and has a future, that this struggle isn’t all for nothing!

Boy, even as I write the paragraph or two above, I feel mad at myself. I can’t help thinking, “What a crybaby. Knock it off. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. It is what it is, kiddo. A lot of people and businesses have it worse than us. Palladium has come so far, it’s incredible. Your fans are behind you 100%. Shut up. Quit murmuring and get back to work. You can do this. You and the guys ARE doing it. Anything worth having is always hard work. You’ve come so far, you idiot, you can’t give up now. You can’t let the garbage pile up and pull you down now! You can’t let the pressure crack you. Vent and get back to work. You’re almost there. You’ve just hit the ‘wall’ marathon runners talk about. Push through it. We can win this!”

That’s the war that rages inside of me at least once a week. That’s the kind of stuff I tell myself to get myself up when I’m feeling down. Sometimes a good cry or talking with a friend helps too.

I hope this murmur doesn’t sound schizophrenic or scary, it’s just the reality of what we’re living with. The side you don’t see. I wrote it as I was feeling it, so it might come off a bit raw or harsh. You’ve asked to know what goes on at Palladium. Murmurs from the Megaverse is a kind of a blog, a journal of Palladium’s journey out of a life and death crisis. These are my thoughts and fears, hopes and joys mingled in with all the news reports, expectations, excitement about product and high hopes for the future as we claw our way back to health.

Most of the time “the guys” and you don’t see the down me, or only catch a glimpse. Gotta lead by strength and example and all that jazz.

I’m still undecided about posting this murmur. I don’t want to worry people. Just writing the murmur has helped to snap me out of my funk. I’m feeling more steady, positive and ready for battle. Of course, it took me the first nine hours of today, before I could shake the blues away. All you can do when you’re feeling down like that is to fight through it while trying to get what work you can done. I did that, and writing this murmur helped me catch my breath. Hmmm, that might be a good reason to post it: It helped get me back on track.

I’m working late and sleeping at the office. That means I have another five hours ahead of me. Good, maybe I can finally get my engine revving at full speed and get a little caught up. I’ll get up early and should get another 14-15 hours in tomorrow, too. Problem is, most of it is uncreative work that has to be done. A dozen contracts, gathering tax info (filed an extension), write some checks (and try not to worry about the money), and calling a few businesses in the morning to take care of problems only I can really deal with. It's all necessary work, but it sucks because I'm not writing or editing. Oh well, can’t think about that. That’s what drags me into the dumps.

(And to my detractors, always ready to seize an opportunity to speculate and criticize, no this has nothing to do with a lack of delegating authority. No, I’m not a control-freak. We are short-handed, everyone is working hard and dealing with as much as they can, and as Maryann (ex-wife, ex-VP) was fond of saying, “garbage rolls uphill,” that means, like it or not, there are some things that only the boss must handle.)

Hey, not to worry. I’m feeling okay. Really.

Palladium is hanging in there thanks to your continued support. We’re all doing our best to keep the ship afloat and heading in the right direction. And as my Mom used to say, “Truly trying your best is all anyone can ask of you. And its all you can ask of yourself." She was smart lady.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there. Don’t worry. We’re not giving up and we’re still fighting hard. I have high hopes and a lot of ideas. Keep those imaginations burning bright and game on!

Kevin Siembieda
Publisher, Writer, Artist and Human Yo-Yo

© Copright June 4, 2007, Palladium Books Inc.