It has been a strange week.
I heard from a lot of friends this week, which reminded me of how truly fortunate I am. Oddly enough, that made me reflect on the “Palladium Dead by 2008" thread elsewhere on the web and Eric Gibson’s apology posted on the Palladium Board a couple days ago.
Since Mr. Gibson has identified himself, and the apology is hanging out there, let me make a few comments. It is hard not to take what Mr. Gibson said as being directed specifically at me and Palladium considering how harsh and critical his posts are, a) on the “Palladium Dead by 2008" thread, and b) he specifically refers to “KS” in at least one of them.
But yes, Mr. Gibson, I would like to accept your apology.
Eric Gibson's posts typify what I don’t get about the hate threads. My only encounter with him was to stop by the West End booth a few years ago at an Origins Game Con to tell him it was nice to see West End Games back, and to wish him luck. I thought we had a pleasant and friendly conversation. At least, I think it was Eric (and a young lady) I spoke with. So I don’t get it? I never publically badmouthed or criticized him or his product, nor questioned his judgement or business practices. I mind my own business and focus on running Palladium Books, writing, being creative, and trying to give Palladium fans what we think they’d enjoy.
But then that’s true of 99% of people criticizing me and/or bashing Palladium and in many cases, as the name of the thread suggests, hoping Palladium Books goes out of business. I don’t know most of these people. Never met ‘em and never did a bad thing to ‘em. At worse, I produce RPG product they don't like. In turn, they don’t really have any idea of what I’m like, how I run the company, our problems, our triumphs, or our goals and aspirations.
My buddy, Dennis Hughes, jokingly asked, “So Kevin, people seem to either hate you or love you. Why do you think you have such a polarizing effect on people?”
My answer was, “I don’t know and don’t really care.” And maybe that’s what makes me different. I’m not going to spend a lot of my time on teenage angst like, “Why don’t they like me? Boo hoo.” It doesn’t matter. I have more important and pleasant things to focus on than to address spurious accusations based on rumor, lies, and often wild speculation fueled by hate.
Hate and anger chews you up and consumes you, like Anakin in Star Wars III. It consumes your thoughts, time and energy. It makes you lose sight of what really matters and can turn you into a raging monster, like Darth Vader.
I sometimes wonder if what these angry, spiteful and hyper-critical Palladium naysayers dislike (dare I say hate) about Palladium and/or me (and sometimes, even gamers who like our books), is because I'm happy and have enjoyed great success over the years. Funny, but even with all the hardship Palladium has overcome, I am happy, content and excited about Palladium's future.
Sure, life isn’t easy or fair. It can be downright brutal and cruel. Likewise, not everybody is going to like you. That’s okay. You just have to take it all in stride and try to deal with whatever life hands you as best you can. To live your own life with what honor, dignity and courage you can. But especially to appreciate what you have and to enjoy the people who are part of your life.
That makes me the luckiest guy in the world. I often look at my life and wonder, why am I so blessed? Do I really deserve so many friends and so much love and happiness? What did I ever do to be so very rewarded with friends? Honestly, I don’t have a clue.
I mean, I had an amazing, wonderful mother who was my mentor, confidante, and best friend, as well as a loving Mom. She found beauty and joy in every moment and loved one. Even when cancer was eating her bones, inflicting ever increasing agony and stealing her life away with every passing minute of the day, she laughed, smiled and appreciated the wonder of a sunset, the beauty of a butterfly, the song of a bird, the smile of a friend, and the warmth of a hug.
I still have a loving and caring father, a brother who’s a good guy, an awesome daughter and a dear son.
I have a sweet, incredibly creative girlfriend who is the light of my life and whose very soul radiates with such joy and kindness that it can’t be contained. It spills out in her smile and silly jokes, and in her garden and backyard that looks like a tropical paradise (only because she makes it that way with seeming effortlessness). Kathy and I have laughed together through trials and tribulations that would make a Dickens’ character cringe.
I work beside my best friend, Alex Marcinsizyn. Pals since Eight Grade, we’ve shared most of our lives together and know each other better than brothers. Alex is a gentle, creative soul who has had more than his fair share of hardship, but remains uniquely understanding and kind. Nobody could ever ask for a better friend.
I’ve had the pleasure of giving a young man named Wayne Smith a chance to spread his wings and watched that lad grow into a fine man and a creative mind. I’m glad to call Wayne my friend and not the least surprised that he has become my right hand man at Palladium.
Julius Rosenstein, another friend and employee, is a real life Paladin or Samurai if ever there was one. He is fiercely loyal and honest, hard working and caring – a true Defiler. Without Julius there might never have been a Palladium Books and I’m glad to count him among my friends.
Erick Wujcik. What can I say about Erick? Bohemian, genius, dreamer, writer, visionary, and one of my dearest friends. I love this guy. He’s done so much for me over the decades I have known him. From giving a young, insecure guy confidence to financial assistance in his hour of need, to invaluable advice, ideas, suggestions and friendship on every level. Heck, we’ve shared so many ideas and discussed so many different subjects, it boggles the mind. He was one of the people who called me this week and put a smile on my face. So did Kay.
There are guys behind the scenes too. Thom and Tony immediately come to mind, so do Chris and Joe, Dennis and Doug, Roger and Randi – all friends and helpers, and alternately brilliant, funny, caring, creative, and kind. They are there when you need ‘em and never seek the limelight, though they deserve it.
I’m proud to call such Herculean talents as John Zeleznik, Mark Evans, Scott Johnson, Dave Dorman, Brom, David Martin, Ramon Perez, Kent Burles, Kevin Long, Jolly Blackburn, and the late, great Keith Parkinson, among many others, my friends.
I can’t tell you the joy I get from listening to the excitement in the voices of Palladium’s next generation of creators and giving them their chance to soar. People like Brandon Aten, Taylor White, Carl Gleba, Jason Marker, Mark Dudley, Braden Campbell, Jason Richards, John Philpott, Irvin Jackson, Todd Yoho, Josh Sinsapaugh, Mark Hall, Apollo Okamura, Nick Bradshaw, Comfort Love, Adam Withers, Jeff Russell, Mike Mumah, Brian and Allen Manning, and a host of other writers and artists much too numerous to name them all. I love hearing the excitement in their voices and sparkle in their eyes when their book comes out. I enjoy letting their ideas, joy, and unbridled excitement wash over me, fill me, inspire me and recharge me. I’m delighted that all are men and women of high character and counted among my army of friends.
I love that I can call or e-mail Carl Gleba and solicit his ideas on anything. Carl is a natural born “idea man.” A genuine “thinker” with a heart of gold. Or give Brandon Aten a jingle, or Jeff Hansen, or Johnny Z, or Erick Wujcik, or any number of people.
Teresa Mead was one of the friends who touched base with me this week (as did Dennis, Doug, Barry, Josh, Erick, Kay, Carmen, Sonny and my son, Adam), just to say hello and to see how I was doing. Teresa is such a delight, I could talk to her for hours (and sometimes we do). She is full of ideas and a sense of wonder that never seems to ebb. Everything remains exciting or an idea or opportunity to explore. Teresa is open, honest, sincere, questioning, always striving to help and learn, and to be more than she is already.
Do you see what I mean? Can you see what an amazing environment this is? How could I not feel empowered and happy, when I have all these caring and ingenious souls offering advice, ideas, help and enthusiasm? Let me tell you, it’s pretty darn awesome! If I have any one regret, it’s that current circumstance does not allow me to spend as much time with them as I’d like.
And then there are the multitude of gamers/fans who feel like friends and family too, even though I may only know them by their posts online, Private Messages, letters, names on frequent orders, and a few minutes snatched here and there at conventions or the Palladium Open House.
Gosh, I’ve probably lost half of you by now. Sorry.
What I’m trying to say is, my life is pretty wonderful. I count my success by the friends I've earned and the people I love. I am so content and happy, I can scarcely believe it sometimes. Which only makes me more creative and excited about life and work. I love the work I do. I love the people I work with. I love writing for YOU. And I enjoy the challenges during tough times. I see the future as opportunity and I welcome change and new ideas. I embrace the harsh words of doubters and the snide remarks of haters, because they motivate me to prove them wrong by surviving, succeeding and outlasting all my critics. 26 years and still going, says plenty all by itself.
Have bad things happened? Heck, yeah. Has there been trouble and sorrow, disappointment and betrayal? Yes. Do I sometimes feel stressed out to the breaking point, sad or exhausted beyond belief? Absolutely. Should I give up and quit? Not a chance. Besides, I enjoy the company of the thronging multitude along on this journey. My life has been good. Recent times have been hard, but they are getting better with every darn day. And every little triumph gives us strength and adds up to a spectacular, ongoing recovery.
This week has been productive and positive. I got a ton of business work done. Now, I’m raring to edit and write like a demon for the next 5 weeks. Appropriate, since I’ll be working primarily on the Hell books.
Thank you for putting up with my long winded Murmur. Thanks for being part of the magical, good stuff in my life.
Sincerely,
Kevin Siembieda
© Copyright June 28, 2007